Have relatives who are loud? Wrong? Drunk and crowded around a table? That's Thanksgiving. Fortunately, we here at Cafe have a guide to the perplexed.
  1. Know what to expect
    Static
    You've got to be prepared, tactically, to survive the holidays. Get your talk in with your uncle before drinks. Talk to your aunt about pets. Cut off enemies at the pass, put them on your territory, and parry attacks.
  2. Don't be afraid
    Static
    Like the shutterstock image says, put up your fists if need be: a debate that can't be parried away can often be bopped on the nose. If you can't escape, be the relative the others fear.
  3. Defer
    Static
    What happens to a meme deferred? Does it dry up, like a Pepe in the sun? Let's find out! Parry the insane until you have a chance to fact check and eat your turkey in peace.
  4. Pivot
    Static
    Politics scratches the itch every table is going to have, and pivoting to a proxy argument will help. We suggest Kanye West as a debate—all the same emotions, none of the terrifying specifics.
  5. Recruit your cousins to be woke children
    Static
    Anyone over 40 is done politically, but it's never too early to indoctrinate your cousins.
  6. Ignore it all
    Static
    Feeling doomed? Let it all numb to nihilism and turkey. That's it. That's always been it. Drink up.