HOW TO INVEST IN THE POST TRUMP WORLD

Cafe is going to give you some tips and tricks for how to flourish in a post Trump world. Economics as satire—not liable for your bankrupt ass.
  1. 1.
    BUY: Russian property
    With Trump and Putin as BFFs, nows the time to buy: especially as global warming makes Russia into a agricultural powerhouse with a mild climate.
  2. 2.
    BUY: Motorcycles
    Trump voters love dangerous, shitty, masculine things that might kill them. Invest now! Profit later.
  3. 3.
    BUY: Schemes for rubes
    People are idiots. Trump is still milking rubes—shouldn't you? Get that sweet, sweet idiot cash.
  4. 4.
    SELL: tech stocks
    With sanctions against foreign countries, many moving parts could get screwed up. Plus: maybe we're simply too dumb to work complex systems. So...
  5. 5.
    SELL: your web series
    Stop investing time in it. Nobody has the patience to humor you anymore. We have real problems now.
  6. 6.
    HOLD: Your children close
    It's a scary time. Also: children organs prices are still uncertain. Hold them close.