POTENTIAL REPUBLICAN NOMINEES IN CASE OF A CONTESTED CONVENTION
It's no secret that Trump, Cruz, and @johnkasich might be on a collision course to Cleveland. Without a clinched election, unbound delegates could rally around one of the above—or they could go for a different choice
- •Paul RyanLook at this sad eagle, this sentient bowl of plain yogurt and chia seeds. The accidental consensus pick for speaker, Paul Ryan took the position of a reviled orange man. The question is: could he do the same thing twice? VP PICK: Mitt Romney in a freaky-Friday twist.
- •Arnold SchwarzeneggerA screen-based star with uncomfortable views of dictators and a fake tough persona, Schwarzenegger has all the pluses of Trump with one exception: he has served well in a noteworthy political office. With a bipartisan record on both gay rights and environmental action, plus balancing a huge debt, he's a surprisingly good candidate. Unfortunately, Arnold is not "native born", marking this first time republicans have pined for an immigrant to take a job from some white guys. VP PICK: Chuck Norris.
- •Jeb BushAmerica's goober, Jeb Bush expertly squandered his seemingly insurmountable privilege to become a pathetic, cringe-inducing sad-man. Can someone say "pity nomination?" America loves an under dog and Jesus, look at him. He needs something, guys. VP PICK: anyone who promises to come over to his next sleepover party and not dip his hand in hot water.
- •Air BudWoah-oh-oh! There's no rule that says a DOG can't be the republican presidential nominee! Hang ten, buds, for the Bark-lection of a Bark-time! VP PICK: Nicki Haley.
- •Hillary ClintonHillary supports the same big business affections and hawkish foreign policy required for any Republican candidate with the added bonus of a strong anti-Obama campaign from which to draw. The unity pick would make everyone mad for a different reason, and what's more uniting than that? VP PICK: Colin Powell, setting off an inner crisis in America's Dads.
- •Tom CottonYou might not know him now, but trust us: you're going to be scared of this guy in 2020. What's more forward thinking than picking tomorrow's nightmare today? VP PICK: Joni Ernst.
- •Rudy GiulianiHaha, just kidding