POTENTIAL REPUBLICAN NOMINEES IN CASE OF A CONTESTED CONVENTION

It's no secret that Trump, Cruz, and @johnkasich might be on a collision course to Cleveland. Without a clinched election, unbound delegates could rally around one of the above—or they could go for a different choice
  1. 1.
    Paul Ryan
    Look at this sad eagle, this sentient bowl of plain yogurt and chia seeds. The accidental consensus pick for speaker, Paul Ryan took the position of a reviled orange man. The question is: could he do the same thing twice? VP PICK: Mitt Romney in a freaky-Friday twist.
  2. 2.
    Arnold Schwarzenegger
    A screen-based star with uncomfortable views of dictators and a fake tough persona, Schwarzenegger has all the pluses of Trump with one exception: he has served well in a noteworthy political office. With a bipartisan record on both gay rights and environmental action, plus balancing a huge debt, he's a surprisingly good candidate. Unfortunately, Arnold is not "native born", marking this first time republicans have pined for an immigrant to take a job from some white guys. VP PICK: Chuck Norris.
  3. 3.
    Jeb Bush
    America's goober, Jeb Bush expertly squandered his seemingly insurmountable privilege to become a pathetic, cringe-inducing sad-man. Can someone say "pity nomination?" America loves an under dog and Jesus, look at him. He needs something, guys. VP PICK: anyone who promises to come over to his next sleepover party and not dip his hand in hot water.
  4. 4.
    Air Bud
    Woah-oh-oh! There's no rule that says a DOG can't be the republican presidential nominee! Hang ten, buds, for the Bark-lection of a Bark-time! VP PICK: Nicki Haley.
  5. 5.
    Hillary Clinton
    Hillary supports the same big business affections and hawkish foreign policy required for any Republican candidate with the added bonus of a strong anti-Obama campaign from which to draw. The unity pick would make everyone mad for a different reason, and what's more uniting than that? VP PICK: Colin Powell, setting off an inner crisis in America's Dads.
  6. 6.
    Tom Cotton
    You might not know him now, but trust us: you're going to be scared of this guy in 2020. What's more forward thinking than picking tomorrow's nightmare today? VP PICK: Joni Ernst.
  7. 7.
    Rudy Giuliani
    Haha, just kidding