THE GOP'S 7-STEP PLAN TO GET A CONSERVATIVE ON THE SUPREME COURT

  1. 1.
    Refuse hearings on any nominee Obama offers, whether it’s a left-wing hero like Loretta Lynch or a right-wing hero like that guy who got mad about Starbucks cups.
  2. 2.
    Work to position the Republican nominee for a November victory. Of course the nominee will be Trump, and there’s no guarantee he’d even appoint a conservative justice. Be in denial about this.
  3. 3.
    Assume that Zika-carrying mosquitos will infiltrate America, particularly the humid coastal states that house most of the Democrats’ electoral votes.
  4. 4.
    As the mosquitos arrive, arrange for the present 8-person Supreme Court to deadlock over whether a PharmaBro-style company can charge $750 a pill for a Zika vaccine.
  5. 5.
    With the divided court upholding the exorbitant cost of a vaccine, wait patiently as indigent Democrats go without it and subsequently die en masse.
  6. 6.
    As the corpses of coastal Democrats rot, sit back and let the Republican nominee triumph in the election. Again, this nominee will be Trump, who is more likely to nominate Judge Judy than Richard Posner. Continue to be in denial about this.
  7. 7.
    Let the Republican Senate confirm Trump’s nominee. That’s right, the Senate will remain Republican despite this stunt. There’s a separate 7-step plan for this, okay? Mitch McConnell has got it all figured out!