These 4 Dogs Think They’re People, So They Will Be Tried As Adults In A Court Of Law
If these adorable companions want civil rights, they'll have to accept the legal consequences
- •The Crime: Public UrinationCome on, this one is as basic as it gets. This cheeky canine must think his frat-boy antics will receive a smile and a scratch on the chin from a sympathetic judge. Think again. Public urination is no joke. This disobedient pup can expect to pay up to $500 in fines, and that’s on top of mandatory community service where he’ll have to clean up other delinquent dogs’ shit or alert the locals anytime somebody falls down a well.
- •The Crime: VagrancyIt’s not clear whether this delightful doggy duo thinks they’re muppets or people, but in the eyes of the law, it frankly doesn’t matter. These homeless hounds are cluttering up our streets and making good, law-abiding citizens feel unsafe. There are a lot of reasons why homelessness is illegal. For instance, it might make a banker wearing a big top hat think for a moment about how our society has failed to protect its most vulnerable members against privation and suffering.
- •The Crime: Wanted for the Murder of Jeb “Boots” PlunchettThis cute fellow must have watched one too many cowboy movies. There’s no adorable costume in the world that can save him from the grave act of first-degree murder. Our canine caballero here seemed to think he was being a hero when he steadied his trusty six shooter and shot four rounds into the back of the dreaded Oklahoma Bandit, otherwise known as Jeb “Boots” Plunchett. Now for his deeds his must face a jury of his human peers and fess up to the murder of his fellow man.
- •The Crime: Marxist InsurrectionThis cuddly buddy has really done it this time. If he fashions himself as a Che Guevara-like crusader for a global Marxist revolution, then he must die like a crusader for a global Marxist revolution. There is no room in the justice system for him. The CIA must back a swift and bloody assassination of this dog. His whole ideology is out of whack. For one, Che would never wear a hat with his own face on it. For another thing, this dog thinks he is people but we all know he is not people.