THINGS I LIED TO MY HAIRDRESSER ABOUT FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON
By our guest columnist, Sophia Benoit. I recently got my hair cut, which is thrilling mostly because of human contact and also someone else washing your hair for you. However, this time, I found myself lying a lot to my hairdresser for no apparent reason. Here are the 6 lies I told for no good goddamn reason at all.
- •That I knew I wouldn't look good in bangsI think I might look really good in bangs even though I have curly hair—but that might just be my anxiety about the global rise of the far-right talking.
- •That I didn’t know it was going to rain all weekI fucking knew. I have an app on the goddamned mini computer that I hold in my hands every waking moment unless I’m in the shower or at a really nice funeral.
- •That the water is the right temperatureIt was very hot—scalding, even—but I don’t want to be a diva. I’m not sure why I felt the need to prove to her that I wasn’t a diva.
- •That I love the midwestI mean, discounting the racism… it’s OK. The only good things are the fact that everyone has at least 2 refrigerators at their house, and the Italian food.
- •That I’ve never dyed my hair before (to keep it healthy)This is the “I floss” of getting your haircut. The only reason I haven’t dyed my hair is because I think I would fuck it up. I’m not taking that good of care of my hair. Please—I would light my hair on fire if it made it look good for a night. If I thought a salad spinner would get my hair dried fast enough, I would do that.
- •That I really like the movie ArrivalWhy did I lie about this? Who the hell am I trying to be to this woman? Arrival was mediocre at best. Why do they keep putting Jeremy Renner in movies? And I just told some nice lady named Gina that she should totally go see it! What the fuck am I doing here?!