SOME THINGS I WISH I'D DONE INSTEAD OF RUNNING MY GMAIL CONTACTS THROUGH THE ASHLEY MADISON CHECKER

  1. Licked a 9-volt battery
  2. Tweezered my nose hairs
  3. Put my hand down on a hot stove burner
  4. Re-attended my father's burial where my stepmother surprised me with a graveside red velvet cake because it was my birthday