THINGS I SAY IN MY MIND WHEN MY TEENAGE SONS ARE BEING DICKS

  1. "I'm withdrawing $25 from your college fund to order secret pizza of which you will never taste a slice."
  2. "Enjoy your hair for six more years."
  3. "They say all parents have a favorite, but I really don't."
  4. "Virgins."
  5. "You believed in Santa, like, four years ago."
  6. "Remember when you were in the backseat and you shit yourself so hard that shit came out of the collar of your shirt? I do!"