THINGS I SAY IN MY MIND WHEN MY TEENAGE SONS ARE BEING DICKS
- •"I'm withdrawing $25 from your college fund to order secret pizza of which you will never taste a slice."
- •"Enjoy your hair for six more years."
- •"They say all parents have a favorite, but I really don't."
- •"You believed in Santa, like, four years ago."
- •"Remember when you were in the backseat and you shit yourself so hard that shit came out of the collar of your shirt? I do!"