ACTION MOVIE CAREERS
A sequel to my "Rom-Com careers" list because, as action movies teach us, sequels are always necessary
- •Cop/Soldier/Spy/Firefighter/etc.You have an easy smile, and years of pain in your eyes. Once upon a time you did things you regret - bloody, horrible things that have probably landed you on War Criminal lists across the ocean - but you put all that behind you as you bid Girlfriend goodnight. You are an honorable man now - Tom Hardy, the only good man on the force - and there is no way you'll get dragged back into that nonsense once again.
- •GirlfriendYou are Girlfriend. You wear cardigans and get brutally murdered by men who are After Your Man. It's not your fault, but it is inevitable. Enjoy your perfect hair while you can.
- •HackerCongratulations! You are nonwhite and/or a woman with glasses. You may also have tattoos, but only geeky ones. Large protagonists are continually barking at you to "SPEAK ENGLISH, DAMMIT!" when you explain to them the specifics of plans that they came up with in the first place.
- •NurseYou are leggy and kind, but mostly leggy. You have just worked a 36 hour shift at the hospital, and your only concession to fatigue is that your hair is pulled up in a gorgeous messy ponytail. You are Rosario Dawson and most likely you will be taken prisoner at some point. You cannot help this because you are female and leggy and kind and leggy.
- •Grizzled Police CaptainNo one knows if your hair is white because of your age, or because you have Seen Some Shit. You have a paternal, gruff relationship with the young reckless guy on your squad ("dammit, I remember pulling this exact same stunt when I was your age, Fuller, but you've crossed the line!") There is a 75% chance you're corrupt and a 100% chance you will die by the end of the movie.
- •CEOThe lives of good men are as disposable as Kleenex or economy cars to you. You had a conscience once, but you cut it out with a scalpel made of 100-dollar bills. You leer where you might smile and snigger where you might laugh. You have a plan. It's foolproof. The thought that this one devilishly handsome, artfully beat-up white protagonist might stop you makes you laugh into your truffle-and-lobster bisque.