Apartment Hunting Can Suck It
Apartment hunting is by far, the worst of the worst. Why do people have to make my life so difficult?
- •Everyone hates petsFor some reason, no one wants to let me live in their property because I have a dog. And apparently, dogs are terrorist sleeper cells or something because it's a non negotiable. Why don't you want to give this guy a place to sleep?!
- •No one calls you backAm I confused about how this process works? You do actually want tenants, right? I want to give you money, you big stupid jerks, so return my 7 calls, 5 texts and 3 e-mails. If not, I'm sending a fucking carrier pigeon.
- •This shit.Totally legit, I'm sure.
- •You need to be Scrooge McDuck around here.$1800 for 640 sq feet? Uh...so I'm assuming it's about $750 for the apartment and the rest is for your turquoise jewelry collection? How else do you rationalize those numbers? I DON'T HAVE A GOD DAMN POOL OF MONEY TO BE ABLE TO AFFORD SUCH MALARKEY!
- •Finding time to see propertiesIf one more person asks if I'm free to view a condo between 10:00 AM and 2:00 PM during the week, I'm going to lose my mind. Do you want a tenant who has a full time job? Great! That's me! So can I see the friggin place after work or on the weekend? No? Wonderful.
- •Owner occupied unitsWhen the property is owner occupied, it's never by a normal human being. It's some crotchety old man who hates everything from kids to color TV or some high strung lady that never leaves the house and crochets everything. They go on and on about how laid back they are and then give you a list of reasons their last tenant was a "nightmare". Which turns out to be that they breathed too much or watched TV past 9:00 PM.
- •Application feesYou know what's fun? Handing someone money just be taken seriously. Please, take my grocery money and stick me on a waiting list for an apartment that I will probably never get. Absolutely go through my financials and credit score why you're at it and never contact me further. Whoohoo!
- •The photosHey babe, I think we should check this place out. The kitchen? No, I don't know what that looks like. The bathroom? Nah, didn't see that either. But, it's got a pretty awesome doorway. I mean, check out this doorway! ...Idiots.
- •Knowing that once you make a decision, then you have to physically move.You know in about 2 weeks, your friends will start avoiding your texts and you have to start stretching daily. Because moving, is the Universe's most heinous form of punishment.