Jobs I Wish I Had, When I Get Annoyed By My Own

  1. Host of MTV's The Challenge
    I can hang out on a beach and tell people to jump out of planes too, TJ.
  2. Spokeswoman for Progressive
    Sorry Flo, but, I look good in red lipstick too.
  3. The person behind the set of hands that scrubs the little ducks affected by environmental shit in the Dawn ads
    Hey Dawn, I have soft and gentle hands, too.
  4. Co-host of the How Did This Get Made podcast
    I have a LOT to say about bad movies too, Zouks.
  5. A judge on Top Chef
    I deserve to stuff my face with delicious food while staring into Tom Colicchio's eyes too, Bravo.
  6. A writer for Buzzfeed
    I can write about 10 grilled cheeses that made the world a better place too, guys.
  7. Richard Branson's personal island caretaker
    I can fill a room full of pillows too, dude.
  8. The person who writes Netflix category tags
    Because I can categorize "dramas featuring awesome moustaches" too.
  9. The person that creates the hashtags that show up during reality shows
    Because I can come up with things like #BeastmodeCowboy too, Big Brother.