I've been to more funeral services than I'd care to admit this year and one thing that creeps into my head during most is...DON'T WANT. People do some weird shit when someone dies, so I figure I should take care of some of the tough choices now instead of leaving them for my family to mess up. I hope this is the obituary you read when I croak...
  1. If you're reading this, than, HOLY SHIT...I'm dead!
  2. I hope I died some super cool way, like, saving RuPaul from getting hit by a bus or from rescuing so many kittens that they ending up loving me to death!
    And not how I most likely went, either choking on a chicken finger or sending the most fire gif accompanied tweet, while driving.
  3. Either way, I'm dead, and it's probably 70/30 in terms of upset/not gonna notice until Facebook reminds them a year from now...and that's okay! I did a lot of cool things while I was alive...
  4. I was on TRL and sounded like a total creep when Carson made me ask Jewel if she was dating anyone.
    Note: she wasn't, and she totally hated the question as much as I did.
  5. I got to deliver room service to Hootie and the Blowfish and they asked for 87 packets of grape jelly.
    I'm serious, and there was like no toast to even warrant such an amount of jelly.
  6. I kept a best friend from pre-school, until my dying day.
    I know this because after all this time, she's the one deleting the boob shoots off my phone right now.
  7. I met a guy that was super absurdly amazing and checked every box I hadn't even thought of yet.
    Except for liking anything with Nia Vardalos in it. He just doesn't "get" her.
  8. I traveled to warm places, cold places, and even some places that weren't in New Hampshire!
    Tortola, I luh ya baby.
  9. I died knowing every cast member to every season of MTV's Real World and Road Rules.
    And even MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
  10. I learned some languages, how to make pasta from scratch, how to be funny in 140 characters or less, how to love somebody, how to drive like an asshole and how to not drive like an asshole, how to respect myself, how to string words together so they make sense and sometimes make people chuckle, and how to observe the world and take it all in.
  11. So, it's been a good time. That's all I'm saying, so don't go fucking it up now by putting some weird hoopla together to mourn me.
  12. Like, if my mother tries to have this stuffy religious ceremony with a man/woman of God who has never met me and looks like they're from a town that outlaws dancing, spouting on about how I'm such a vibrant soul and I'm in a better place...please veto the idea.
  13. And I've never done it before but if there's an open casket, someone better beat my face and contour me like there's no tomorrow.
    Because there literally isn't.
  14. If you have kids under the age of 18, don't bring them to whatever ceremony is being thrown for me.
    Some weird quasi-relative will throw themselves on them, hugging and sobbing and telling them all about how the last time they saw you, "you was wearing die-pahs"! And your kid will hate you for it.
  15. If you want to play some music, I'm cool with that. Can I make a few suggestions? Maybe a little Harry Belafonte's Day-O? Or anything of off N*SYNC's first album because I'm OG.
  16. If anyone wants to share a story or some words about me, I do expect those words to be in the form of a movie quote.
    If they're not, were we even friends?
  17. Just keep the whole thing short and simple. Give me a big ups, maybe an Arsenio whoop whoop and know I'm off somewhere living my best afterlife.
  18. Just a few more quick notes before I peace out...
  19. To Ethan Embry: Thank you for Empire Records.
  20. To my kitty love: You are the perfect amount of fat cat and don't let anyone tell you any different.
  21. To my parents: You guys have always been the most fantastically weird people I know and I love you for it. Thanks for letting me be weird too.
  22. To my IRL friends: I was so everlastingly lucky to have you by my side.
  23. To my boo: I was so unapologetically lucky to be able to share life with you.
  24. To my Twitter peeps: I was so disgustingly lucky to have you helping me through life.
  25. And to that twat from college who loved trying to ruin my life: LOL look how cute I look in my coffin. ✌🏼️
  26. Someone spell check this for me before it goes to print, okay?