Things I Don't Need On Toast

Why is fancy toast a thing?
  1. Avacados
    Tostitos are my vehicle of choice for avocados, in the form of guacamole. Otherwise, I'm all set.
  2. Salmon and cream cheese
    What about toast screams, "PUT FISH ON ME"?!
  3. Cucumbers
    How delicious and refreshing are cucumbers? SO refreshing! Why are we going to put something so delightful on toast so it can get mildy warm and soggy? You animals.
  4. Salsas (of any kind)
    What is wrong with you? There are plenty of options for driving salsa into your mouth, why are bringing toast into this?!
  5. Dried apricots
    Did someone hurt you when you were younger? Why are you punishing yourself? It's bad enough you're choosing fruit over a scrumptious alternative like Nutella or even peanut butter...but DRIED fruit? Well, don't you just live the sweet life if you can sit here all morning, just chewing. And chewing...
  6. Nuts with a drizzle
    Uh, sprinkling a few nuts around and hitting them with a splash of honey or elderberry whatthefuckever is not a meal. Have fun chewing your arm off while you're stuck in traffic 20 minutes from now.
  7. Beans
    You've crossed the god damn line.