Things You Are Probably Doing This Weekend

Judging by my Facebook feed, these are the only things people are doing this weekend and nothing else on Earth exists.
  1. Attending a baby shower
    Jesus Christ, how many of you are pregnant at one time?! And how many teddies does one child need?
  2. Graduating/attending a graduation
    So many hats and robes.
  3. Running a marathon
    I don't know why you people love to run, but hey, more power to ya! Enjoy that swamp ass and Gatorade.
  4. Going back to school for alumni events
    You folks love revisiting your colleges as adults. I guess there's some allure to PBR's, falling down old frat house steps and the sports ball games.
  5. Getting married/attending a bridal shower.
    Wedding season is here! So...many...weddings, for the love of god make them and their 40 bridesmaids and cutesy hashtags stop.
  6. Eating on a patio
    No one gives a shit where or what they eat as long as it's on a patio and they get to keep their sunglasses on for all photos.