Things you say that make me absolutely hate you

  1. Authentic pronunciations of anything
    It's Ibiza, not Ibitha. It's not moots-ah-rell, unless you're someone's cousin Paulie. And if you fucking say qua-sawnt when you want one of those delicious flakey pastries, I swear to god I will find a way to beat you with this packet of jam.
  2. The word "epic"
    Please only use this word if you're referring to Frodo's quest to destroy the wrong of Sauron. Your weekend tubing down the Saco river, shotgunning Bud heavies doesn't quite measure up...
  3. When your response includes "actually"
    "It's actually pretty good". Oh, is it? Are you shocked? Did I really blow your mind? Sounds like it was real open to begin with. Thanks for your honesty, dick.
  4. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world
    If someone is honestly standing in front of you, stating for the world to hear that they think motherhood is easy...I say, give them a swift punch to the gut. Chances are, they're not, and you just want to remind them that you do stuff too. We get it, taking care of your family is work. But telling someone this way, makes you sound like a twat. Or a mommy blogger. I legitimately don't know which is worse.
  5. Reminding me of your WCW and your MCM every week
    It's bad enough when a couple is dating... It's like these people think they're going to win a trip to Cabo if they get enough of their friends to comment #RelationshipGoals on their dumb ass kissy face photos. But when that couple is MARRIED? Oh Jesus... I can't even continue typing. I can only assume these people are sleeper cells, trying to bring down our country from the INSIDE! Why else would they do this?! You're married, we know who you're fucking! Gah! Sorry for yelling...
  6. I hate drama
    When I hear this, I picture you as a terrifying combination between Nathan Lane, Regina George, every girl from VH1 dating shows like Rock of Love and Perez Hilton mixed in for some extra pizazz. Who are you kidding?
  7. Everything happens for a reason
    Oh no it doesn't, shut up.
  8. Asking if I know what they put in whatever I'm eating or drinking
    Unless there is a human foot sticking out of these chicken nuggets, I am not going to worry about it right now. And when I do, you miss thang, with your Dr. Pepper addiction since birth, and your various nicotine patches...you will not be the authority I go to for that information. Thank you for your concern, now beat it.
  9. Telling it like it is
    The only people who tote "telling it like it is" as one of their best qualities, are complete assholes. If what you're telling, is totally sexist, racist, homophobic, ignorant, needlessly hurtful or rude, then you're just human garbage. That's all.
  10. Not for nothing
    You have to say this like people in New England say it or you're not getting the full effect. So, pretend you're Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting, get a chip on your shoulder, act like you've had a beer or five, forget half the letters in the alphabet and now say, "well...nawt fah nuttin' but...". Whatever follows is just a personal opinion that you should never listen to and you can't anyway because you'll probably be too annoyed by how stupid it sounded coming out. Use your words, people.