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  1. Because I grew up in Idaho
    Probably could have ended the list here.
  2. Because my wife makes me go to the "designated fart zone"
    Won't even ratify my petitions for a portable designated fart zone. AKA a cardboard box.
  3. Because my 4th grade teacher asked me if I had forged my dad's signature
    Before I had lost all my teeth I was endorsing checks when dad was out of town so mom could cash them. Life of crime.
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Because literally no one has ever come to any of my office hours.
  1. 6.
    POE: Journalist and Critic
    Poe is legitimately my favorite writer and the greatest creepy-stuff author since Stephen King. HOW DARE YOU NORMALIZE HIM!
  2. 5.
    Primate Visions
    Deceivingly not about stuff a monkey saw. But points for intrigue.
  3. 4.
    Reading Room Companion
    A book for keeping in rooms dedicated to keeping books in them, in case the number of books currently in keeping is intimidating. If that's not a good idea, this guy from a random page isn't strong.
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Spent nearly a year (told myself three months) working for Dominos. ''Twas a great and terrible job, and it all ended Saturday night.
  1. Free pizza. #obvi
    Honestly, it doesn't happen (nearly) often (enough). But when the line messes up a pizza or someone who ordered carry out doesn't show up for an hour and the manager doesn't want to save it for himself to take home, I get a slice! It's magic.
  2. First timers.
    One perk of being in a university town is the spectrum of people you get to talk to for 40 seconds. And once in a blue moon they're international students who have never ordered pizza. My favorite: a British couple answered the door together smiling like kids on Christmas. Told me they'd never ordered pizza before and weren't sure what to tip. Handing me $5, she asked if it's a good tip. I told her a fiver is a great tip. I have made few people that happy in my life. Probably my favorite memory.
  3. Audio book time.
    Spending hours on end in the car calls for finding ways to stay sane. Enter the Chapel Hill Public Library collection of audio books on CD (I'm old school. See also: broke). I had the time to knock books off my list (The Poisonwood Bible ❤️), read things I'd never find the time to read otherwise (1Q84, which SUCKED), and branch out into new territory (Patricia Cornwell?).
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Because an email justifying rebranding is low hanging fruit.
  1. List
    The conformist in you is smiling right now.
  2. Period
    This is what I call it looking at the new logo. Not only does this open all kinds of anatomy-related punsibilities (Are you on your period? No, I'm on yours)—it also takes a crack at whoever thought a bullet point was more appropriate than an L that looks like lined paper. #youhadonejob
  3. Lih Street
    A literal and very acceptable way of reading. Not bad.
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It ain't on me to judge you or your journey to asking for money on the street, but here's a few tips for success if you're in that boat and we cross paths.
  1. Be honest
    It's hard for me to tell which people are in legitimate need and which just own an ugly dog and don't want to shower or pay taxes. So if your pitch hits home I'm much more likely to pitch in. The second-to-last person to score a handful of change from me just said, "I wanna go to Wendy's." So do I. All the time. Here is money.
  2. Remember me
    We can be friends. You don't have to know my name, but I wanna know yours, or at least get a visual cue of some kind that you recognize my ugly mug. In the last place we lived, my friend M——— slept in a stairwell between the subway and my work. After a few short but enjoyable conversations I started leaving a coffee in the stairwell on days I didn't see him after my breakfast at McDonalds. I hate coffee, but it came free with my meal, so it was an easy share.
  3. Take "no" for an answer
    Unless you have the four children mentioned on your sign surrounding you, I'm always going to wonder just a bit whether you're taking artistic license with your cardboard that claims as much. But that doesn't mean I don't want to help. Sometimes I just don't have it. When I do, it's yours, but please respect me when my own responsibilities and expenses feel too heavy to ignore once in a while.
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  1. Beyoncé's Lemonade
    I thought B had a family recipe for actual lemonade she was gonna share with me. I could see myself being the bottom of a pyramid scheme where I spent my time as a grown-ass man sitting on neighborhood sidewalks helping spread the joy for $0.50 a cup. But no.
  2. A Jackalope
    I wanted a jack-o-lantern made of cantaloupe. Easier carving, more delicious, and getting to the end product doesn't feel like disemboweling an Oompa Loompa.
  3. Toe Socks
    An adorable little sock for each toe > reality.
I've learned more about introverts from Snapchat than I thought there was to know. (If I was a hypochondriac I'd probs never go to a party again.) But they can't last forever...
  1. Redheads
    Genetic mutants who singlehandedly keep sunscreen companies in business and could rise up collectively to dress up as the Weasley family on Halloween? If that leverage, what is?
  2. Long poopers
    This could be us but you outside the door yellin' at me that it's time to go when I haven't even hit my third wave.
  3. Lefties
    For too long we have forced them to awkwardly drive stick shifts and always smear ink when writing.
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In no particular order (yeah right...I wanna be famous):
  1. My wife told me to
    She's hot. @lilyjames
  2. Because @bjnovak had a cameo in Crazy Ex Girlfriend dressed as Walter White, who was in the last Godzilla movie, which I saw alone and live tweeted, but then he died the ONE time I've ever gone to pee during a movie.
  3. 140 characters too often requires me to compromise my grammar.
    I don't play that game.
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