REASONS I'M LIKE THIS

Secrets.
  1. Because I grew up in Idaho
    Probably could have ended the list here.
  2. Because my wife makes me go to the "designated fart zone"
    Won't even ratify my petitions for a portable designated fart zone. AKA a cardboard box.
  3. Because my 4th grade teacher asked me if I had forged my dad's signature
    Before I had lost all my teeth I was endorsing checks when dad was out of town so mom could cash them. Life of crime.
  4. Because I applied for a job at Bunker Hill Community College just because Robin Williams worked there in Good Will Hunting
    And I got it. How do you like them apples?
  5. Because my very first kiss was my first kiss goodbye
    Just like in that Bon Jovi song.
  6. Because I lived in middle-of-nowhere Brazil for two years
    Don't get Dengue fever. Not a party.
  7. Because I stayed behind during a tour in England so I could pee into in the world's oldest latrine
    Study abroad director gave me high five when I told him. I hadn't washed my hands.
  8. Because I ran with the bulls
    In Pamplona. Like Hemingway. Except sober. And with a better beard.
  9. Because I have four younger brothers and there are only eight years between us
    We didn't know Chad was a mistake forever. Jared, yeah, but Chad we didn't find out until we were in our twenties. OMG, his face.
  10. Because I was Grandma's favorite
    She would pay me $10/hr to "work" for her so I could eat in college. I once made $70 to take her to see LOTR and eat Mexican food. Best friends forever.
  11. Because my wife made me read the Harry Potter series before I could marry her
    I now have a Snape wand and a snobbish abhorrence for Cursed Child...
  12. Because I have a degree in poetry
    It was my dream and I lived it. If you've got one, live it.
  13. Because I married into a cat
    Watching an ancient animal fail to make it jumping onto a low couch never gets old.
  14. Because my dad told me paying for college was on me
    Got a job mowing lawns when I was 8. Still poor, but seen the world and lived happy so far. Thanks, Dad.
  15. Because Frankenstein.
    Written by a teenage girl in a contest with two famous dude writers and to this day the greatest literary work in the English language (in my prideful opinion).
  16. Because Mexican food
    A phrase that may or may not be tattooed on my butt.