OJ SIMPSON TRIAL MEMBERS RANKED
Trial of the century. A Westside cluster fuck.
- 1.Kato KaelinHe had the Val Kilmer in Heat look down even to the sports coat. Guest house slacker who ate mcdonalds on wilshire with OJ, flubbing his attempt at an alibi by inviting himself in the Bentley. Struggling actor.
- 2.Marcia ClarkHard ass prosecutor who's ignorance and pride lost her the case. Single mother who hated her Ex husbands. Topless pics in the middle of the trial. Ignored focus groups telling her to smile. Love her.
- 3.Judge ItoCeleb obsessed and self proclaimed lover of the rose bowl flea market. Let his trial get out of control and invited Larry king to hang in the back with him. In shape despite the black robe's unflattering look.
- 4.Robert ShapiroReal hound of a lawyer who, when OJ fucked up during the trial or car chase, simply covered his own ass during press conferences. Century city was his home base and only ate in Beverly Hills. Was so disorganized even OJ ended up hating him. Sat at the end of the table like a baby, sulking that Cochran had taken lead counsel.
- 5.Kato AkitaDog that led a dog walker in Brentwood to the murder scene. Kids named him after their funny house guest Kato.
- 6.CochranShapiro's basic replacement. Used race to beat obvious guilt. Genius lawyer. Made the prosecution's black lawyer bow down to him. Rolls Royce owner and resident of Los Feliz.
- 7.Faye ResnickNicole's Brentwood BFF. Wrote a tell all book that did well but was full of lies. Party girl that would hang with Nicole until 5am. Moved in with Nicole on Bundy weeks before the murder. Defense used her as a "white wild child" that ruined OJ's life.
- 8.Robert KardashianThe ultimate hanger-on to OJ. Wasn't even practicing law until the murder happened. Reinstated his BAR card just for the case. Obsessed with OJ and his celeb status. Encino resident. Let OJ go on car chase. White streak of hair and usc grad.
- 9.Larry KingHung with Judge Ito and Shapiro on the reg. despite awful superior court ethics in being told sensitive info cause of his celeb status, he was a moral guiding light in not revealing it on the air. Beverly Wilshire hotel bar reg.
- 10.Alan DershowitzHarvard grad lawyer for the defense. Laughed a lot at prosecution's incompetence.
- 11.Gil GarcettiDA during the case. Bad ass father to our current mayor.
- 12.Barry ScheckDNA expert who used junk science to disprove the prosecution's best evidence. Super smart X-factor.
- 13.Dr. Robert Huizenga90210 Doctor who supported defense claim that OJ was a victim of abuse and that he suffered too many football injuries to murder 2 people. His testimony was seen as pitiful for OJ and supported endless evidence that OJ was delusional and vapid and surrounded himself with enablers that liked him for their own social status motives. Also- he's super handsome.
- 14.Ronald GoldmanWaiter that was murdered next to Nicole. Even more gruesome than her murder.
- 15.Nicole SimpsonRIP. Met OJ 3 weeks after graduating high school. Defense loved to point out that she had breast implants to the unsympathetic working class jury.
- 16.Chris DardenThe poor man's Cochran. Feel bad for him. Legit professed "love" for Johnny during the trial. His race was a lame card pulled by the DA. He was in over his head. Glove fiasco was on him.
- 17.Mark FuhrmanClaimed racist LAPD robbery and homicide detective from Simi Valley who Cochran used like a fuckin toy.
- 18.OJUsed race to win the case despite only being friends with 50 year old west LA white residents. Love blondes. Domestic abuser for years previous to murder. Self-obsessed and narcissistic psychopath.