One Story That Tells You A Lot About Me: Hoopty Mess Edition 💩🚙🙍🏼

  1. I drive a 1998 Toyota Camry.
  2. It's old, but has low miles. I'm broke and pragmatic. So basically I anticipate having this car for a long-ass time.
  3. But despite its low mileage, the car has some...issues. (As do I.)
    One time I drove a group of friends and one of them said, "Oh wow, your car is really nice!" And everyone scolded her for her inappropriate sarcasm. But she was actually being sincere. That should tell you how rundown my car is.
  4. Two years ago, the car and I experienced our first real winter together. I handled it poorly. My car handled it worse.
  5. This was me.
  6. This was my car.
  7. A few weeks into winter, the lock of my driver's side door got so cold that it broke when I tried to unlock it.
  8. $400 and a week later, the door was fixed.
  9. And then two weeks after that, it broke again.
  10. I decided to wait until winter was over to get it fixed again.
  11. Months went by...
  12. Months of me opening my door by reaching across from the passenger side or the back seat.
  13. Months of other people giving me a certain kind of look.
  14. And then summer came. I literally never rolled up my windows.
    The one perk of owning a hoopty mess is that it really isn't at risk of getting stolen.
  15. And I forgot about the door.
    I got so used to my little workarounds that it didn't seem to be a big problem!
  16. But then...
  17. ...another winter came.
  18. And my passenger side door lock broke, exactly as my driver's side door lock had.
  19. Which, like, of fucking course it did. I'm not even sure why I was surprised. It's like eating Taco Bell and then being shocked when you have poop cramps. Fucking duh.
    *Ahem, excuse me.*
  20. So anyway...after a year of opening one door from the backseat, I got used to occasionally adding another door to that mix.
  21. And now that winter has cleared, I (finally) made an appointment to get both doors fixed.
  22. But in the meantime.
  23. Tonight.
  24. At a park.
  25. On the outskirts of civilization.
    Kind of.
  26. My fob malfunctioned.
  27. And here's the dilemma, folks: if your key fob doesn't work and your manual locks don't work, you've essentially locked yourself out of your car! And also, your car alarm will go off incessantly!
  28. So I essentially locked myself out of my car. And set off my car alarm with no way to disarm it.
  29. I contemplated calling my brother or my dad.
    But then I remembered that they've had zero patience with my "wait to fix it" strategy, soooo...nope.
  30. I tried hitting my key fob really hard against the asphalt.
    It did nothing but scuff it a little.
  31. So I googled "Toyota key fob red light won't go off."
    God bless Google and it's active courting of simpleton search phrases.
  32. And some website dedicated to RAV4 Lovahs or something confirmed my suspicion: I would need to get the battery loose in order to get the fob to work.
  33. So I took out my earring and tried to unscrew the little screw on the back.
  34. And then I tried a pen.
  35. And then a tiny key.
  36. And then, as I dialed my father, I tried hitting my fob hard against the picnic table.
  37. It cracked a bit.
  38. I pried it open.
  39. The alarm abruptly stopped.
  40. I hung up the phone and walked over to my car.
  41. I opened the back door and reached forward to open the front door.
  42. And I made it home, y'all.
  43. But maybe next time, I won't wait two years to get my door fixed.
  44. Maybe easier is better sometimes.
  45. As much as I hate to admit it, this story says a lot about me.