Inspired by @celestestelle but written for someone who won't ever see it.
  1. I am utterly torn when it comes to you.
    You probably despise me.
  2. I still write poetry. And it's often about you or the circumstances surrounding what you've done to me.
  3. All my days are filled with numbing and ignorance and busyness and reality.
  4. But so much of the constant low level humm in my background sounds like you. Little whispers of you.
  5. How we met at a water park that I'll drive past tomorrow morning to get to work.
    And I blow a kiss at the first slide I went on thanks to you. Only once. A Straight drop with a trapdoor. And then afterwards you and I were at the bottom. I don't even remember what you said but I remember really loving your voice.
  6. When I look at a sunrise it makes me think of you and I smile and whisper good morning beautiful girl because I can't text you good morning beautiful the way I used to.
  7. And I constantly battle a bitter anger towards you for what you did and a disgust with myself for still loving you despite who you are.
    And the intellectual fact that I will fall for someone so much better than you does not do much to stop all the background humming.
  8. Because my future is not my reality yet. My reality is your absence and how you affected my heart.
  9. I think about how much happier I would be today if all that was different was that you could text me "hey". And we could talk about our days the way we used to. (I feel like crying out with the pain of this impossibility.)
    Except I would be less naive and more open with you. More honest. But distant.
  10. Because you were wrong when you said "I love you." And you were wrong when you said "I'm a monster darling."
    Someone who loved me the way you did for a while, wouldn't have turned on me like you did. And someone with as much beauty inside of them as there is beauty in you can never be a monster.
  11. I will continue to hold affection in my heart for you.
  12. I will continue to remember all the perfect things you said and the imperfect things I said and the poetry you responded to and the way your eyes made me pause and even tear up a little sometimes.
    Because you are that beautiful.
  13. I don't know why I fell for you. I told myself not to. That it was a bad idea.
    And it was. But it also wasn't. It was delicious. And you and I really did love one another for a few moments there.
  14. And you agreed.
    You really used me in a way. That's okay. I may have used you.
  15. I've gotten much advice from people who can see what I'm going through when it comes to you.
    But it's all so pathetic.
  16. You are multitudes to me.
  17. But no matter what I say and no matter how many months pass, I can't help but want to hug you and apologize for making you scared.
  18. It's the worst at night. And most of my waking hours you're just a low roar. A lovely warm thought.
  19. But at night I feel like transforming into something else. Something that will make you see the pain you've put me through. And something different enough to separate from all this ridiculous feeling.
  20. But I also am so grateful for it. It's given me much more wisdom than I could have hoped.
    You've aged me.
  21. I deleted all the photos I had of you.
    Because you insisted and because I wanted to honor your request.
  22. Damn it if that isn't the most awful feeling. Losing all that memory of you.
  23. What little I have left in my head I write down or relive at night to some paltry extent.
  24. You made me doubt everything.
    You are corrosive. You are addictive.
  25. You opened me up and gutted me.
  26. And the next time I see you I will act like I don't see you. Because I remember how all your other ex'es used to act towards you. They all felt something similar but not nearly as corrupted and heavy as what I feel. And you hated them for it. So I'll look right through you.
    And the next time I see you I'll get drunk and get in a fight just because you need to see me angry for once instead of apologetic and kind. And the next time I see you I will smile at you with polite compassion. Because you deserve it but more importantly so do I. And the next time I see you I will apologize for everything and then disappear into the crowd. And the next time I see you I'll be wealthy and wise and calm. And the next time..
  27. The next time will be different.
  28. Everything in my mind conflicts when it comes to you.
  29. But honestly in my heart I really prefer the bits where I can just be in love with you and everything is okay. I feel like that should be okay for me to feel. Is that okay asshole? Can I feel that way? Can I just be in love with you and have that be enough?
  30. And you're fucking beautiful. And fucking hot. And I fucking love you.
  31. And i hope to god you're okay. I hope to god you're happy.
    That's all I want for you. I hope you're happy.
  32. And I hope you miss me sometimes when you wake up half asleep and you mistake the person you're in bed with for me for just a moment.
    It's happened once before.
  33. (A list I translated just for you over a year ago. You saw many of them. Your ancestral language is so gorgeous.)
  34. Jeg havner deg.
    I miss you.
  35. Sovs godt min kjærlighet 💜 drøm om Meg
    sleep well my love 💜 dream of me
  36. jeg vil kysse deg
    I want to kiss you
  37. du er en vakker jente
    You are a beautiful girl
  38. søt drømmer min kjaere
    Sweet dreams my love
  39. øynene stjal alle mine ord bort
    Your eyes stole all my words away
  40. Å hvor jeg elsker deg min kjære
    Oh how I adore you my sweet
  41. Jeg elsker deg så mye min kjære
    I love you so much my darling
  42. kysse meg sakte vennligst
    Kiss me slowly please.
  43. I'll see you around.. Some quiet corner of the cosmos beautiful girl.
  44. Static
  45. Static
  46. Static