How to describe list app to others

Maybe you weren't careful enough about people reading over your shoulder. Perhaps your nosy friend is looking for the hottest new thing in social media and is now inquiring as to why you need another app for lists what with your iPhones already plenty capable note app. Either way, you're doing this. Buckle in kidos. Things are about to get bumpy.
  1. 1.
    First, make sure they're sitting down. Or else positioned so as to avoid them falling down from the whiplash their poor brain is about to take in absorbing information about such an amazing mobile application.
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    This could mean: laying down, mounting you (if that's their thing... Or your thing), setting up a trust fall, admitting themselves to a psychiatric facility ahead of time, or simply curling up in a fetal position and rocking gently back and forth for a few minutes to warm up.
  3. 3.
    Next, take their phone from them. Upon hearing, understanding, and there upon grasping the knowledge of such a powerful and life changing application such as the venerated list app, your friend (here by referred to simply as: the indoctrinate), will be deeply and intrinsically motivated to locate said application and commit themselves to it fully.
  4. 4.
    This of course always ends in ritual sacrifice aka seppuku aka list-app-ku. I understand that head of marketing and company image at list app isn't thrilled about the 45+ attempts already on file and would encourage us to do our part in preventing further reputation/public appeal damage to the all powerful list app and it's great leader @bjnovak
  5. 5.
    After you've ensured that all objects with the potential for cutting,stabbing, or shiving are eliminated from the relative surroundings.
    This includes but is not limited to: pens ala Jason Bourne, knives, that pointy thing in the end of shoelaces, safety pins that are clearly unsafe, fingernails (tell the indoctrinate it's for hygiene), teeth (oral hygiene. Removal is necessary), and the part of glasses that sits on your ear (those will fucking blind you if used properly, ironically) also ask them if they've had any recent implants/hip replacements. Sharp metal is still sharp metal no matter how deep in their bone. Safety first.
  6. 6.
    Begin by telling the indoctrinate that if they are to disappear under mysterious circumstances, such is the way of list app and it's agents, you will always remember them in your heart and on a super cute Instagram selfie from that brunch that one time when you both got these really great pancakes from busters and the waiter messed up so you got...
    It for free. Not the coffee though. Assholes. Who charges 8 bucks a cup for plain coffee? I mean I'm just saying...excellent ambiance and customer service my ass. They knew exactly what they were doing when "Kevin" (probably wasn't his real name even) spilled orange juice all over Becky kastanzo's favorite brunch top. Ohh they'll pay for dry cleaning all right. With the 24 bucks they made off our coffee. I respect the difficulty of the service industry as much as the next citizen it's just....
  7. 7.
    Next, light (a minimum) of 327 candles placed in an ornate fashion of your choosing around the victim/indoctrinate. Guidelines for candle placement can be found in your personal list app necronomicon.
    If you can't find it. Join the indoctrinate on the floor and try to imagine what it's like to bang a respected civil servant. Not the goody two shoes kind but also not a Kevin spacey ala house of cards manipulative type (unless that's your thing. We here at list app don't judge). A vision of @bjnovak should come to you. He will explain what shape to place the candles in thought interpretive dance. FYI this is also list app trouble shooting/customer service process. We don't think you'll need it.
  8. 8.
    Double check that your iPod is set up to blast queen's "Dark side of the Moon" on an infinite loop. Specifically "us and them". Throw in the office theme and Simon and Garfunkel's "I am a rock" to finish off.
    Crucial. It's crucial.
  9. 9.
    Feed the indoctrinate raspberry cream filling by the tablespoon and ask them to chew each bite exactly 23 times.
  10. 10.
    Repeat the list app pledge. In Latin.
  11. 11.
    Explain to the indoctrinate/victim in great detail how during the Middle Ages (specifically the year 1479. Exactly 500 years before our benevolent leader was birthed in human form) the world was at the precipice of great change. A contest of whits was arranged by the highest rule in all the land: mark zuckerberg of Facebook.
  12. 12.
    In which denizens of social media put forth their brightest ideas as to put a halt to the great evil known as: existentialist boredom and self riotous Facebook posting.
  13. 13.
    One being rose to the challenge. @bjnovak himself. Granted his people the all powerful list app! And the world was forever changed. For no more would we, the ever tactful and humorous socialite introverts, be forgotten amidst hordes of teeming peppy new mothers posting too many baby photos and teenagers with a false sense of existentialist dilemma.
  14. 14.
    As soon as the indoctrinate has come down from their high. Bath them with salts and rose petals in a pool of vinegar. When they smell like a Finnish turkey in spring you'll know they are ready to make their list account.
  15. 15.
    Don't be worried if you never hear from them again. Have faith in that you will one day meet them in list app paradise with 57 other engaging conversationalist (that is what we are promised as devotees to list app after all)
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    Hope this was helpful