Excuse the language but I hope you're used to this from me by now.
  1. A part of me..
  2. A big part of me
  3. Wants to hide the fact that I feel this way.
  4. That some days it's like there's a big ole sumbitchin storm rolling through my mind. It's quite catastrophic because I feel like I can't think clearly. What was once a clear blue sky of my mental horizon turns to a gray, chaotic, mess of really worrisome shit.
  5. I worked on some other list drafts before this.
  6. Before realizing that I need to get this thing down on paper (metaphorical paper but same idea. Although writing could help. There's something special about an actual pen and paper.)
  7. I guess this summer has made me feeling all sorts of anxious.
  8. I changed houses (after living in the same one all my life). And a bunch of other less clear stuff.
  9. For some reason it's like everything feels funny.
  10. Maybe it's just me but do you know those days when you wake up and it's like nothing is familiar?
  11. And the things that normally gave you comfort just don't anymore?
  12. It's just unsettling.
  13. That's a good word.
  14. Unsettling.
  15. It's like the twilight zone but for real.
  16. You go to talk to a close friend and it's just not the same.
  17. Oh that gives me shivers.
  18. Like invasion of the body snatchers or something.
  19. Everything's there but you can feel in the pit of your stomach that something is off.
  20. That's kinda how I feel.
  21. Also it's strange how two weeks ago I felt optimistic.
  22. Moods change very fast for me.
  23. But weeks feel like decades too.
  24. Actually I do have things to look forward to. The fall. Autumn I mean. Halloween and costumes and parties and football games and people. And then Christmas and thanksgiving and gathering. Old things that always helped. They're not here yet so their memories are firm in my mind. Well as firm as memories can be.
  25. But I don't want to live as if I'm waiting. Although that feels like my life right now. All summer I've been waiting for her to come back like the way it was before summer started. All summer I've gone to sleep hoping to dream about her only to wake up a begrudging failure.
  26. In fact the only thing that's been solid is my friend. She's been here for me all summer. In my deepest shitty moments. But even she got fed up with me last night. Understandably so. I loaded a lot of personal issues onto a girl who I know is dealing with her own. I forgot to ask her. Or if I did ask she just turned it back around on me.
    Because she doesn't feel adequate as a friend. Which is far from the truth.
  27. I forgot that I find my strength in being there for others. And I'm worried about her. Which is partly good because it might help distract from the storm.
  28. I prepared myself for a storm. Every time it buckles down on me I feel it. It's sort of a funny feeling. Makes you want to laugh. It's like this quote I have saved. It's sort of morbid but tell me something that isn't. It goes....
  29. "Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way."
  30. And it really is hilarious sometimes. You know. You get used to this bastard riding your back. Trying to drag you down. Sure he brings you to your knees sometimes but that's just inspiration to kick him in the ass and say not today motherf**er. Not today.
  31. Yesterday I had some pretty scary thoughts. But I put on some big boy pants and said "grow a pair". Save the mental breakdown for when you're 90.
    Just so you know. Most of that is bullshit. I felt lost yesterday. Which is funny how lost you can feel, like your entire world is ending, and then go to a god damn movie with your parents and manage to enjoy it. Weird. Haha just weird.
  32. Still it's tough sometimes. But I know exactly what I need. I'll tell you about that in a minute. First a random tangent.
  33. The scary part about growing up is how you notice everyone is just as terrified as you are. But maybe I'm just projecting. Still it sure seems that way sometimes. Everyone's fucking scared out of their minds about their own problems and it's bonkers and even the best of us are sad about something. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm terrified of
    Feeling hopeless. Because I know that's bullshit. There's always a solution if you wait long enough. Time cures all. Change is inevitable and if its bad right now it's bound to get better. That's just nature. Dark turns to light and back to dark. It's constantly shifting on us. That's a double edged sword but I like the other edge a lot more than its twin.
  34. You see I had this conversation with someone yesterday. I guess technically this morning. Around 2 am. And she is so similar to me. She's a girl I fell in love with. Which sucks because she's never been mine to begin with. But our heads are very related. She told me how she thinks I need distractions.
    I won't get into what it is for her but suffice it to say we all have our vices. And she deserves a few with her fucked luck. That makes me sad. She deserves better. We all do.
  35. For me it's social interaction. According to her. Which pissed me off at first because that sounds so stupid to me. I don't generally get along with people. It's rare to me to find anyone really worth connecting with. Which is another bullet point on my list of why this summer sucks. I dropped a friend and the rest seem distant. Boom pow. Life is
    Testing the shit out of me. I hate saying that but that's what's going on. Makes me wanna say "kiss my ass life. What did I do to deserve this shit pie?" Then I think about the people who have it worse off than me. I don't know how those people do it. Like my grand mother. She died of leukemia a year ago. But didn't whine once. She listened to me bitch about ridiculous teenager things but she only wanted me to smile. Didn't interrupt. I sat through chemo with her whining my ass off about
  36. Idiotic things. Things I don't even remember now. And she was getting fucking CHEMO!! I aspire to be as saintly as she was. That patient. Her death really opened me up to that. What patience and bravery was. I could talk to her about anything and she would discuss it and would treat me like a person. Not some child to be molded. Just a person.
    With opinions. Strong ones and shitty ones too. She just listened. And I wish I'd have given her more credit for that.
  37. You know what else? I hate that the most momentous person I've known all year was someone I had to fall in love with. Someone I knew I couldn't have. Someone already taken. It was so fucking silly in the beginning. Fuck I miss not knowing her. Every other list I make is about her. It begins to seem tiresome that that's all I talk about.
    I mean hell. It's the reason my friend feels inadequate (on top of her poor self esteem) because this girl changed my life, she's all I talk about, think about, breathe. but I can't even touch her. Ain't that a bitch. Can't even complain because it was wrong in the first place. We're both just damaged people trying to find solace in something other than ourselves. She's damaged goods. Aren't we all.
  38. I need to meet someone momentous again. I need to have another grenade thrown into my life. Shake this mess up all over again. Make me breathe someone else's aroma. Make me infect myself with something other than this poison. She's poison. The sort that blinds you and tricks you into loving it.
    Well I tricked myself into loving her. Bah. Michelle was right. I'm a poetic little shit through and through. Not in a derogatory sense but still.
  39. In a few weeks I'll look back and say "what a wimp I was." Or more likely something less nice ha. The only problems harder than today's problems are tomorrow's. The only easier ones yesterday's. I'd give anything to rewind the clock for a bit. I want to see her again. The poisonous girl. I would kiss her this time. Even though she'd probably slap
    Me and never speak to me again. It would be worth it.
  40. I'll stop here or else this will unravel. The list I mean. Also I need to message my friend again. She's got me worried.
  41. Oh and I'm not ready for school. Kinda fucked that for myself. Woops. Need a binder ha.
  42. Static
  43. I mean.... Just.....
    How? Fucking how? FUCKING how??????
  44. "If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call to make, who would you call and what would you say?"
    I'd call her. I'd say "I love you more than anyone Ive ever known even though you're corrosive for me. I'd die for you and maybe you don't feel the same but that doesn't matter to me so much. Because you did. For a minute there you did. Bye bye boo."
  45. "Maybe in some distant future, in another place, or even in another earth, you and I could be more than just people we used to know."
  46. "And as you walked away, I sat back and laughed at the love I was never meant to have."
  47. "I have developed an affinity for comfort when I am wanting for something I can't have and at the moment I've built a home inside of not having you."