The last first poem I wrote for you

  1. I lose myself in memory
  2. It tastes so delicious I must revel in it
  3. "My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover."
  4. Sometimes I think about you and I miss what we had terribly and I miss you so much more terribly
  5. Then other times I think about you and how cruel you were and I want to call you a bitch
  6. But I can't do that because it would mean breaking my promise
  7. I promised myself, soundlessly, that I would never be cruel back to you.
  8. Because I understand why you are the way you are.
  9. You told me once how you couldn't understand why I even spoke to you.
  10. When you were so hurtful and disposable and bitter and dying.
  11. And I told you it was because your soul is devastatingly beautiful to me.
  12. How you filled my life more than anyone has for quite some time in this young life of mine.
  13. Well I stand by what I said.
  14. Hindsight has granted me the awareness that what we had was never meant to last any longer than it did.
  15. That there was nothing I could have done that would have stretched it any further or eased the pain of separation.
  16. And that's okay.
  17. I am absolutely irrevocably alright with all of that.
  18. I forgive you for your pain.
  19. You know if I could switch places with you or protect you from your past that I would.
  20. In a heart beat I would.
  21. Sweet sweet girl.
  22. I got to see your soft side.
  23. You never read this next part but I added something to the first poem about you. I read it for my speech class last year in its entirety but of course no one understood why my voice broke near the end.
  24. "And it is with the greatest pain that I bring myself to let you go.
  25. But know that to forget is to die. And I refuse now to fade.
  26. You told me when you met me. Not to fall in love with a dead girl. I laughed and said don't die.
  27. Still my only regret is that I couldn't have spent another 10 months, another 10 days, another 5 minutes knowing you.
  28. And it is with envy that I look upon others now.
  29. Because they never knew you as I did.
  30. Never saw through to those hidden parts.
  31. Never sat down between your walls and touched such secret words.
  32. And as you and I both know. To understand is to love.
  33. And oh how we loved each other.
  34. I loved you. I still do.
  35. Always boo.
  36. Bye bye."
  37. I just felt like sharing that.
  38. It's been on my mind a lot lately.
  39. Reading it makes me laugh at its sincerity and how over the top it is in some ways.
  40. Because it really does achieve both.
  41. "Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red."
  42. And it really is all just red.