Unfinished things in my journal

  1. "I think of beauty. I think of a portrait of your eyes which I haven't painted yet. Do not trust me sweet girl. I'll be patient for you. A compassionate man. I hide messages for you in the air."
  2. "I burned the bridges. The ropes are tattered shadows. A noose for one hundred regrets. I burned the bridges. And the walls cackle menacingly at me. Peering into my mouth. For words too terrified, too shit scared, to follow my wagging tongue. The walls are not themselves. No longer comforting. No longer as open as the sky. They are black sails of
    the ship "loathsome home". Carrying me into the void. A helpless horror is no more horrible than I a profound poet. The wirds come out of their hiding places. And I remain. Lost for now. On the ship "human". With sails of compassion. I burned the bridges to the shore."
  3. "I miss being sad about innocent things. Spilled ice cream. A toy floating off down a river. I miss it. I miss you."
  4. Sweet little pendant love. Hanging from the neck of a wonderful creature. Soft as the faintest light. Strong as a cloud. Ephemeral elusive. You are gone from me sweet creature. You are hidden in these memories running like scattered petals in the wind. And I struggling. Skittering across the concrete on bloodied dirty hands and knees. To catch them
    To build up a stoic flower of our love. Silly me. The flower is in my heart. Our love is flowing in these veins. Unrecognizable face in the mirror smiles grimly. I bleed across the page. My poor mind is poisoned by the past."
  5. "I float in numbness. Waking at 4 am to inspect the ceiling."
  6. "My heart beats. And I... I miss you. Someone mentions a 4 hour train ride and I think on your being 3 hours from me."
  7. "... Because with all the blood in my child sized heart I adore you. And every beat sends the shards of your betrayal deeper. Seeming only to open up more space for words and memory."
  8. "The divinity of torrential pain is pure and awakens in me a potent resilience to joy."
  9. "You are as solid as a sunlit dream. As present to me as the sky to my sight."
  10. "I know I am already young. Still I find myself feeling ancient some weeks. Especially after you."
  11. "I am frustrated and deeply angry yet the thought of your smile and warm voice is as it always was.. Calming in a summer way."
  12. "Quadrumvirate, Talmudic, neologized, hirsute, presbyopia, ideogram, mollify, hypophilangial, lapidary, effete, enfilade, leonine, priapistic."
  13. "My god you are astonishingly beautiful. So wondrous and fulfilling and safe. I leave no room for my doubts for now. It is too painful to question love that true."
  14. "I'm truly an animal at these times. I can see my own face contorted. Twisted into rage. All teeth, muscle, and blood. My first intellectual instinct is to describe it as inhuman. But I know better. It is so human it shocks me."
  15. "And all my heart was made larger for having known you so intimately my dear."
  16. "I'm standing on the sidewalk and it is evening. Purple gray clouds hang in the sky above my head near enough to be blown away. Yet far enough beyond to ignore my pleas. People drive past. Countless people. All the countless chances. I'm stumbling from all of this passion. I'm stumbling under the weight of myself."