Today is day one of the El Niño so I decided to do a Bachelor recap. It's long but bear with me please.
  1. First we meet our Bachelor. His name is Ben and he's looking for love.
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    He's not much of a model is he?
  2. He takes us to his hometown of Warsaw, IN.
    "Warsaw feels like America": Every part of America is America so like...
  3. They throw him a parade, or he marshals a parade, can't tell.
    He's the bachelor, he's not like going to war or whatever
  4. Love love love the tonal shifts in the music
  5. He talks about how he feels unloved a lot and how girls have often rejected him.
    Love that these guys are always "not loved back" rather than "ehh there were a few girls I never responded to and/or led on and then they didn't want to be my booty call" is that bitter?
  6. We meet his parents.
    Did his parents meet in middle school or college? Like how long were they single? Are they able to give advice on this?
  7. Aww fuck they cheered to "love"
  8. And now he cried. WE ARE FIVE MINUTES IN
  9. Love these shots of him posting up on a tree
    See: not much of a model
  10. So his fear for the season is "being unloveable"
    This will come back again and again. Make it part of your drinking game
  11. He meets with a group of old Bachelors two of whom are married to girls they met on the show
    Okay this bachelor bro club is kind of adorable and also kind of nasty. Feeling conflicted. Also SEAN FOREVER
  12. Lots of guys should actually listen to this convo.
  13. He keeps saying he wants to meet a "young lady" -- what happens if there's a 40-year-old?
    See: unREAL -- such a good show and also Mary was older and went far
  14. CHRIS HARRISON makes his first appearance
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    He's the best
  15. And now we meet some of the girls:
  16. Fuck yeah love Jubilee
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    And bonus points for all the military puns
  17. Mandi: no one wants a weird dentist
    More on her later
  18. Okay I wanted to hate the aesthetician but I love that she wears matching swim suits with her daughters
  19. CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST
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    Oh man she seems like a weirdo but maybe in a cool way?
  20. Chris gets Ben ready to receive the girls at the house
    "Can I get a hug?" - oh man someone has to write fan fic of Ben and Chris falling in love
  21. Ugh this is both the best and worst part all these dumb ass puns
    Like these girls are coming on so strong and I'm so uncomfortable. Some of them are wearing costumes or do weird things like hike a football under her gown
  22. Twins? Literally how is that supposed to work?
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  23. I want that unicorn head but like not appropriate? Also she looks like a darker Isla Fischer
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  24. Mandi is back with her own GD rose
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  25. This one girl brought her mini horse named Huey
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    Oh man an animal at a party?! I would be so happy to have someone to talk to
  26. OH FUCK LACE IS WEARING LACE
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    And she just forced a kiss on him oh man
  27. This nutritionist brought a basket of bread so that's cool
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    NO WHY IS SHE THROWING THE BREAD ON THE GROUND?!? Can't find a gif but it was awful
  28. Eww a girl brought a save the date?
  29. WE ARE ONLY AT THE HALFWAY POINT
  30. This is the batshit craziest program on television
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    Mandi is flossing him with her dentist tools
  31. I'm picking Caila as the front runner right now
  32. And the twins are hysterical and seem like a party
  33. Wait who are these two and why do we care about them?
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    Amber and Becca? Apparently they were on an earlier season? Can I get a "looking for attention"?
  34. Ok Ben might be a really stand-up guy re: not kissing all of the girls on the first night
  35. Their foreheads are all so shiny it must be humid there
  36. 1st impression rose is psychological torture
    Olivia seems cool and I know people who know her
  37. I'm sorry Lace is not entertaining. Go away
  38. Kind of sad about some of the girls who don't get roses but it's life
  39. FUCKING LACE NO SHE IS JUST THERE FOR THE PRODUCERS EW GO AWAY
  40. Bye Red, bye Chicken Girl, bye girl who hates bread, bye other girls I don't remember
    "I've been through *sob* so much *sob* pain"
  41. LACE STOP DOING THESE THINGS STOP STOP LEAVE
  42. That concludes episode 1! See ya next week