Part 3 of infinity. Part 2 here: 25 THINGS I DON'T GET: PART 2
  1. Baggage "claim." I'm not "claiming" that this red suitcase is mine. It actually already is fucking mine. BAG RETURN. BAG PICKUP.
  2. Giving someone a box of 47,000 calories of sugar and fat for Valentine's Day as a sign of love
  3. Dating profile pics of people shooting guns or holding their long fishes
  4. The naked lady on semi truck mud flaps
  5. Bumper stickers. I don't need reading material. I'M DRIVING
  6. Billboards with contact information on them. Yes, sure, let me take my hands off the wheel to write Dr. Rosenrosen's email address down here on the dashboard.
  7. Hanging dinner plates on the wall. Or baskets. It makes me want to have a picnic on the wall it is so inviting but of course that is not possible because of gravity and so I have sad.
  8. Any of these food-specific buttons on my microwave. And what if I'm heating a potato and a piece of pizza at the same time, HUH??
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  9. How "zany car salesman" can be an effective marketing strategy but apparently it is because that is the only type of local car dealership commercial yet invented
  10. Why so many "yo mama" jokes but almost no "yo llama" jokes
  11. The word "cooler" as in "can cooler" and "Igloo® Cooler." They don't make the things inside them COLDER. They just keep them from getting WARMER. Call it an "insulator."
  12. People who maintain grass lawns in desert climates like Phoenix, AZ, USA.
  13. The appeal of horror movies where the whole movie is just people getting chopped up and mangled in horrible ways
  14. Pretend pockets on clothing
  15. Why every single roll top desk is always rolled up
  16. Calculus. And/or the COS, SIN and TAN buttons on a calculator if those are related to calculus (or even if they are not)
  17. How "read" and "read" can be both the present and past tense of the same verb, just pronounced differently
  18. How fish sleep without eyelids or without lying down
  19. How fish sleep without eyelids or without lying down and with the ever-present fear of being gobbled up by bigger fish
  20. How octopi don't always accidentally suction cup themselves
  21. Why Bob Dylan is all blurry on the Blonde on Blonde album cover
  22. Why we don't debike or decar or deboat or deskateboard or detruck but we deplane. And anyway I do not deplane, you arrogant plane. I rehuman.
  23. Fruit cake. Like you take a cake with too much cloves in it and then bake in gumdrops. What madman invented this? I would rather eat an angry wolverine.
  24. Why there are so many red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet things but almost no indigo things. I want to create a company that forges indigo, six-fingered swords called Indigo Montoya.
  25. The phrase "life preserver." It just makes you not fucking sink. It does not prevent hypothermia or shark devouring. SINK-PREVENTER.