I wrote this on a plane while flying over Lake Michigan because I like to tempt fate. Also, I do not believe in fate. Also I included pictures I took of the safety information card and some other stuff for funsies.
  1. We know you aren't paying attention, but we are legally-obligated to say the following things anyway:
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  2. Please put all your shit away somewhere where people won't trip on it.
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  3. Please do not be a dumb-ass and recline your seat or fold down your tray table while people are getting on and off the plane. This will make us late and everyone will be grouchy and the traveling experience will be much worse than it already is.
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  4. We won't explain how to fasten and unfasten the seatbelt. If you don't already know how to do that, there is nothing else we can do for you.
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  5. Wear your seatbelt because if you don't you could get a concussion or break your neck.
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  6. Yes, there are some emergency exits. But if we explode or crash, the exits will explode and crash, too, and so will you.
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  7. If we crash on land, there is nothing you should do. You will die. End of story.
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  8. If you are seated in an emergency exit row, we know that if we crash and don't all die that you will open the door and escape and not help anyone else get out. But that's okay. That's why you paid the extra $25.
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  9. If we pull a Sully Sullenberber and manage to land on some water, please go out one of the exits.
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  10. If, while we're flying way up in the sky, a window or door explodes or the roof of the plane flies off, some oxygen masks might come out of the ceiling that you can use. But we have never been in a crash so can't really confirm this.
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  11. Anyway, if the masks show up, wear them in order to keep breathing or you will suffocate.
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  12. Put masks on people who don't know how to put them on themselves like babies.
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  13. We are working on masks that have bags that inflate so you are less stressed about whether they are working right or not.
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  14. There are some lights on the floor, but if we crash on land, the lights will be destroyed along with you. If we crash on water, do not crawl on the floor looking for lights. Go out an exit instead.
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  15. There is a life vest under your seat. If we crash on water and don't all die, put the vest on. Pull the red cord to inflate it, but if you do that before you leave the plane you will not fit out of the door and will drown in the plane.
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  16. The seat cushion floats, too, but the vest is better and you don't need both. That would be redundant.
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  17. The exits have inflatable slides on them that can be turned into boats. But the people sitting in the exit rows will probably already be floating away in the boats so never mind. Just jump in the water and don't swim near the sharks.
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  18. There is no way your electronic devices can interfere with flying of the plane. All the wiring is super well-shielded. But we're still supposed to make you turn the cellular part off anyway. But we won't know if you actually do or not.
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  19. Smoking hasn't been allowed on planes since like 1980 or something, but we still need to tell you not to smoke in here. If you smoke, you will set off a smoke alarm and someone will probably beat the shit out of you and when we land you'll get arrested.
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  20. All what we just said also shows up on the plastic card in that germy seat pocket in front of you. You could have just looked at that and we could have saved our breath. But they make us do this every flight.
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  21. Please be nice to us. We are not well-paid.
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  22. Please don't try to get into the cockpit or make us crash.
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  23. There's no way you will enjoy this flight. Sorry not sorry!
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  24. ✈️💺