ACTUALLY KICK-ASS FORTUNE COOKIE FORTUNES

  1. 1.
    Fortune cookie fortunes are always SO BLAND AND LAME. Here are some that are not:
  2. 2.
    Within the next few moments, your underpants will fill with ravenous wood ticks
  3. 3.
    There is a madman in your closet and—if you move or make even the slightest sound—he will emerge and hack you to pieces with his rusty garden hoe
  4. 4.
    A helicopter is crashing right on top of you. You may run. You may hide. But wherever you end up, that is where the helicopter will crash. Even if you are already in a helicopter.
  5. 5.
    The fortune cookie you just ate contained a lethal dose of ricin. Good bye!
  6. 6.
    You will soon be elected to the highest office but quickly see your power diminish as all the legislation you sponsor becomes hopelessly mired in Congressional subcommittees
  7. 7.
    HURRY: There are one billion dollars worth of un-cut rubies buried at the following coordinates:
    Latitude 40.74844 Longitude -73.98566
  8. 8.
    Your significant other is breaking it off with you tomorrow night so suggest stopping and getting yourself two bottles of wine at Trader Joe's on the way home from work
  9. 9.
    The next 80 days will be the happiest and most successful of your life thus far, but will end with an unexpected and catastrophic hydrogen explosion
  10. 10.
    Go immediately to the northwest corner of Main Street and Longfellow Avenue where you will be given further instructions by a man dressed as a hot dog vendor
  11. 11.
    The next time you fall asleep, you will never wake up again