I like chess and so do you and so does your mom.
  1. Pawn
    En passant, two-square first move and promotion, muthafuckas!
  2. Queen
    Will murder and bury all your pieces. Oh are you hiding over there on H8? Welp HERE I COME FROM GODDAM A1 TO DROP ATOMIC BOMBS ON YOU. YOU ARE DESTROYED
  3. Knight
    The prettiest piece. Cannot be turned on a lathe. Hand-carved. Can hop over your bullshit and take your stuff. P. S. There is no knight it is only a horse just saying
  4. Rook
    I mean...not sure how a stone building can slide around like that but ok. Pretty powerful piece. Historically, some chess sets had chariots instead of rooks. Which makes way more sense. Also cool that rooks can do that little dance with the King called castling.
  5. King
    Regal and all, but not of much use until the endgame. Worth no points. Cannot be captured. Always needs to be protected by everyone else. Relevant: Checkmate.
  6. Bishop
    Meh. I'm an Atheist. Don't care about your same-color, diagonal crap.