Please read carefully and, if you agree, sign and date below.
  1. To be my friend, you agree: Heretoforwith; Your stuff is my stuff. Your food is my food. I can sleep on your bed. I can give you kittens. I can take your kittens. I can play your music and your apps. You will provide cuddling within 4-hour's notice. I can ride your dog even if he or she is too small when compared to my size.
  2. I can eat whatever is in your fridge or on your counter. I can sit on your counter. I can ask you questions. You will provide all answers in writing, orally and on 8-track cassette. I can wear your various clothing. I can has cheeseburgers. I can show you unicorns. I can believe in rainbows.
  3. You will believe in rainbows or pretend to believe in rainbows when I am about. I can have your milk and your jewelry. I can call you good and bad names. I can rock in your hammock and borrow your car. You may guard my house. You should buy me marshmallows.
  4. You will buy me books, read me books and lend me your books indefinitely. You will lend me everything indefinitely. You will provide me with five copies of the entire universe. You will give me the head of John the Baptist. You will tell me who shot Kennedy and who is John Galt.
  5. You will provide various updates and reports on request. You will let me use your wi-fi and your soap. I may borrow eggs from you without notice. I can come over to your parent's house and go through some of your old belongings still in storage there. I may pick up your hamster and put it on my head. I may tell you a joke.
  6. You will tell me jokes and I may not be obligated to laugh. You will not hold it against me if I use the wrong "you're" and you will assume that it was AutoCorrect's fault and not mine. You will bake for me. You will provide me with the decorations for the various holidays.
  7. You will carol in front of my house on the twelve days of Christmas even if you are not particularly Christian or into Christ's holiday called Christmas. You will not spam me or sign me up for special offers. You will be my product. After several drinks, I may make passes at you. You will act flattered at all passes.
  8. You will provide meaningful conversation when I am within hearing distance on topics that I've indicated in my profile are of interest to me. You will clean the bathroom at my house once per week. You will clip coupons and use them when you are purchasing my groceries on your debit card. My favorite color will be your favorite color.
  9. You will be my life coach, fitness coach and lifelong learning coach. You will provide me with ample couches. You will remove cockroaches if any are present. You will definitely not want to go somewhere else on the weekend but will in fact choose to spend the weekend with me.
  10. Henceforthwitnesseth; You will provide my combustion engines with gasoline. You will perform Internet searches for me using Google or Bing. You will provide me with edible, recent pie. You will roll the dice and they will always come up "snake eyes." You will dress like Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe when it is near Halloween.
  11. You will provide me with all of your Halloween candy except the gum. You will do jumping jacks. I will watch you do them. When you do them you will count aloud in Korean. You will decorate my house with inspirational posters that are not cliché. You will teach me Old English. You will rake leaves when it seems appropriate.
  12. You will refrain from performing activities in my home that could cause a fire. You will make sure that my hard wood floors are not too slippery due to furniture polish. You will not make fun of me because I have Polish ancestry but will often bring me Polish sausage.
  13. You will never bring up Robert Kubica, the most famous Kubica on the Internet besides myself. You will help me when there seems to be something missing and I am distressed about it. You will blow up all of the balloons. You will monitor my caloric intake but tell me very gently when I am approaching my daily calorie limit.
  14. You will enjoy cheese. You will provide me with marbles. You will never do anything untoward and will always put your best foot forward. You will not assume. You will provide liquid currency. You will tap resources. You will plan.
  15. SIGNED ✒️____________
  16. PRINT YOUR NAME ✒️_______________
  17. TODAY'S DATE ✒️_______________