FALSE APHORISMS

  1. Everybody deserves a second date
    Nuh uh. Some people are psycho or butt snorkels.
  2. All's fair in love and war
    Waterboarding isn't fair. Killing innocent bystanders isn't either. Lying to significant others isn't usually good.
  3. Where there's a will, there's a way
    Not if you have terminal cancer. You'll just die. Nothing you can do about it. Sheer will can't make you fly or defy gravity. Incidentally, someone painted "Will" on my street and "Way" is nowhere to be seen. Just saying.
  4. A rolling stone gathers no moss
    Unless the stone is coated in Gorilla Glue
  5. Don't bite the hand that feeds you
    What if the hand that feeds you is a serial killer holding you captive? Biting his hand might be a clever escape strategy.
  6. The early bird catches the worm
    Nightcrawlers come out at night!
  7. A fool and his money are soon parted
    What if they are a freelance fool consultant that gets paid by the hour?
  8. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
    What if your bird is dead and rotten and the two bush birds are plump and delicious?
  9. A rising tide lifts all boats
    Except boats with big holes in them.
  10. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link
    If the chain is made of Adamantium or Reardon metal, there are no weak links.
  11. A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man
    Let's not generalize about blind people. That makes a general out of I and Ze Frank.
  12. A watched pot never boils
    Yes it does
  13. Absence makes the heart grow fonder
    Absence usually sucks if you love the person
  14. Actions speak louder than words
    A well placed "I love you" can go a long way.
  15. All things come to he who waits
    Godot never comes
  16. Ask a silly question and you’ll get a silly answer
    If the answerer is mean, maybe
  17. Beggars can’t be choosers
    Unless the beggar is playing the shell game as a contestant on The Price is Right!
  18. Better late than never
    They don't let you in late at the opera. Just go back home.
  19. Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all
    Hmmm. Loving and losing sucks. Not sure on this one.
  20. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts
    I think this is racist
  21. Children should be seen and not heard
    Mean
  22. Crime does not pay
    It does for the banking industry
  23. Never look a gift horse in the mouth
    You might be disappointed but better that than blissfully ignorant
    Suggested by   @jentin
  24. Hindsight is 20/20
    There is still a lot of fucked up shit from my past that I do not understand it all
  25. Fences make good neighbors
    I feel like the opposite is probably more friendly