GOD'S TO-DO LIST, ACCORDING TO GENESIS

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  1. 1.
    Create heaven
  2. 2.
    Create earth
  3. 3.
    Create waters
  4. 4.
    Blow wind over the waters
  5. 5.
    Create light
  6. 6.
    Enjoy light
  7. 7.
    Create darkness
  8. 8.
    Call it "night"
  9. 9.
    Rest
  10. 10.
    Create dome in the waters
  11. 11.
    Separate waters from waters
  12. 12.
    Call upper waters "sky"
  13. 13.
    Rest
  14. 14.
    Gather lower waters together and call them "seas"
  15. 15.
    Call the dry land that appears "Earth"
  16. 16.
    Create plants
  17. 17.
    Rest
  18. 18.
    Create more lights in the sky, namely the Sun and the Moon
  19. 19.
    Create seasons
  20. 20.
    Rest
  21. 21.
    Creates swarms of creatures in the waters
  22. 22.
    Create birds
  23. 23.
    Create sex
  24. 24.
    Rest
  25. 25.
    Create cattle
  26. 26.
    Create creeping things
  27. 27.
    Create all the other non-creeping animals
  28. 28.
    Create humankind and make them look like me
  29. 29.
    Bless humans
  30. 30.
    Tell humans to have sex
  31. 31.
    Tell humans to rule the fish, birds and land animals
  32. 32.
    Tell humans to eat all the plants
  33. 33.
    Rest
  34. 34.
    Actually, rest the whole next day, too
  35. 35.
    Create Adam (but let him name himself later)
  36. 36.
    Create Eden
  37. 37.
    Create river flowing out of Eden
  38. 38.
    Tell Adam to take care of Eden
  39. 39.
    Warn Adam not to eat from the tree of knowledge
  40. 40.
    Make helper creatures for Adam so that he isn't alone
  41. 41.
    Put Adam to sleep
  42. 42.
    Remove a rib from Adam
  43. 43.
    Make Eve out of the rib
  44. 44.
    Make a talking serpent
  45. 45.
    Have serpent convince Eve that God is full of shit about the tree of knowledge
  46. 46.
    Curse serpent
  47. 47.
    Curse Adam and Eve
  48. 48.
    Curse all mankind
  49. 49.
    Make clothes for Adam and Eve
  50. 50.
    Kick Adam and Eve out of Eden
  51. 51.
    Create cherubim to guard Eden
  52. 52.
    Favor Abel's offering
  53. 53.
    Give Cain some advice
  54. 54.
    Act surprised when Cain kills Abel
  55. 55.
    Curse Cain
  56. 56.
    Curse whoever kills Cain
  57. 57.
    Rest while humans procreate for several generations
  58. 58.
    Give humans a more reasonable life expectancy
  59. 59.
    Regret making humans
  60. 60.
    Tell the one good human, Noah, to make a big boat and to put his family and two of each animal in it
  61. 61.
    Wait until Noah and co. are in the Ark and then make it rain for 40 days and nights
  62. 62.
    Tell Noah to leave the ark and to have sex and make nicer humans
  63. 63.
    Bless Noah
  64. 64.
    Promise Noah you won't kill everybody with another flood
  65. 65.
    Visit the humans's tower and city
  66. 66.
    Make all the humans speak different languages
  67. 67.
    Scatter the humans all over the earth and see what happens
  68. 68.
    Tell Abram that you like him and that he should go build a city
  69. 69.
    Afflict the Pharoah with plagues
  70. 70.
    Tell Abram to move his tent away from Lot
  71. 71.
    Promise Abram some land and some other stuff but only if he promises to cut off the most sensitive part of every man's penis
  72. 72.
    Make Abram call his wife a different name
  73. 73.
    Get Abram's 90-year-old wife pregnant
  74. 74.
    Have a moral dilemma about whether to be nice to Abraham
  75. 75.
    Tell Abraham to show him 10-50 nice people
  76. 76.
    After Lot and his wife leave, rain sulfur and fire down on Sodom and Gomorrah
  77. 77.
    Take a vacation while Lot has sex with his own two daughters
  78. 78.
    Watch over Hagar's kid
  79. 79.
    Tell Abraham to kill his only son
  80. 80.
    Tell Abraham NOT to kill his only son when it appears like he's actually gonna
  81. 81.
    Make Rebekah have twins
  82. 82.
    Make Isaac rich
  83. 83.
    Make Leah pregnant a bunch of times
  84. 84.
    Make Rachel pregnant
  85. 85.
    Tell Jacob to go to Bethel
  86. 86.
    Rain terror on some cities
  87. 87.
    Rename Jacob "Israel"
  88. 88.
    Look after Joseph
  89. 89.
    Rest
  90. 90.
    Plan what to do next in Exodus