This is a photo essay and I hope you enjoy it SO much and find it instructive. Hashtag how-to. Hashtag aero-planes. Hashtag sea.
  1. •
    First of all you arise early to the sound of incessant beeping and think "WTF am I doing awake!" But then you remember you will soon see Picasso sculptures at MOMA and Hemingway letters at the Morgan Library and watch Nick Offerman play Ignatius J Reilly in the Confederacy of Dunces Play and then you're all "all right this is ok to get up at 5 am."
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  2. •
    When you arrive at the aero-port, the hunt begins: The hunt to find a slot to slide your automatic-mobile into, that is. Use your Eagle Eye and you will find a slot for your black Toyota Prius automatic-mobile in section 1W. Make note of this section in your Important Paperwork or you will never see your automatic-mobile again.
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  3. •
    ALERT: Do not idle or park your aero-plane here or your aero-plane will be towed away to somewhere quite inconvenient!
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  4. •
    When you exit your automatic-mobile, you will be presented with a myriad of ways to walk. Up, down, left, right, forward and backward are all options. Choose the direction that will bring you closer to your aero-plane.
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  5. •
    You will hear words like "pre-board" and "deplane" and "personal belongings" and "terminal" and you will wonder if aero-plane travel is for the robots and androids or for the human beings.
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  6. •
    Some ways forward take less time than others. For the proverbial win.
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  7. •
    Kind people wearing crisp, blue shirts will explore your genitals for bomb-making parts and substances. Remember always that they are your dearest friends and deserve your patience and compliance.
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  8. •
    The aero-plane you will be riding inside of is on this list and you will find it. Keep looking.
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  9. •
    The terminal book store is on here somewhere but please give up after 5 minutes because this map is very complicated and you will fail to understand it.
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  10. •
    You will walk for a long, long time while pulling your personal belongings along behind you in a box on wheels.
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  11. •
    Then there will be more waiting that occurs. Good thing you brought a book of classical literature to read!
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  12. •
    Some things in the aero-port are activated by waving your hands around and some are not. But you will find yourself waving your hands around at everything just in case. This is normal aero-port behavior.
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  13. •
    Someone special may text you "the feels" before you rise into the heavens on your aero-plane. Enjoy these feels. They will make your spirit soar into the sky. Reply with some of your own "the feels."
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  14. •
    Every other traveler would like to get inside the aero-plane before you but DO NOT LET THEM. Use your teeth and elbows if needed.
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  15. •
    You and your fellow travelers will be divided into a simple and convenient caste system.
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  16. •
    You will be injected into the aero-plane like creamy filling squirted into a Twinkie®-brand product.
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  17. •
  18. •
    If you wave your hands at the seat back in front of you, it does NOT automatically dispense more leg room FYI.
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  19. •
    You find yourself surprised at these example people's jolly and selfless demeanor.
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  20. •
    You hope desperately that you are not surrounded by germs and diseases and e. Coli. Keep your hands to yourself, traveler!
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  21. •
    There will be a food tray but you are instructed never to use it during your journey.
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  22. •
    This little room can be a peaceful sanctuary but DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING here due to e. Coli exposure!
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  23. •
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  24. •
    ::INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: You cannot figure out this complicated equipment. You hope there is a demonstration of the safety features on this, your Bombardier CRJ700 aero-plane vehicle::
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  25. •
    If your aero-plane lands in the sea instead of on an aero-port, you hope to be assigned to A Team and to be given a big, blue box of cereal to clutch.
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  26. •
    The feelings of profound anger and betrayal that you experience when you discover that another person has already solved most of your crossword puzzle are hard to put into words.
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  27. •
    You feel certain that if the roof of your aero-plane flies off and you are required to receive life-giving oxygen from a little yellow face-mask that you will decidedly not be able to "breathe normally." You also feel strongly that "assisting others" will be right out during this emergency situation and that you will beat your way past grand-
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    mothers and babies to reach the nearest egress.
  28. •
    You realize that the "overhead" bin is really more of a "next to head" bin when you are standing up. But this is a minor technicality that you do not fault the aero-plane architect for.
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  29. •
    Eventually, you will enter the sky and be one with the cirrus clouds and the aero-waves.
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  30. •
    At some point you may be dispensed a liquid beverage with ice cubes floating in it by an aero-plane steward. This is when you shall take a moment to marvel at the fact that you are seated inside a rocket ship having a beverage with ice cubes in it while screaming across the sky, half-way between Terra Firma and Outer Space.
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    (Or you may receive a hot beverage with caffeine inside of it as the case may be.)
  31. •
    Please note that every surface on your aero-plane is required by law to have a minimum of six signs and/or placards upon it.
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  32. •
    The aero-plane crew may THINK they are the only ones who will use the "life line" but as you are sitting the closest to said "life line" only time will tell who gets to use it first. Spoiler alert: It will be you.
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  33. •
    It is official. You are now in an aero-plane over the sea!
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  34. •
    When the steward offers you "peanuts, pretzels or cookies," remain vigilant and accept "None of the Above," remembering always the true and present danger of further e. Coli exposure.
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  35. •
    You now realize how apropos it is that the classical literature you've brought to read aboard the aero-plane is entitled "NO EXIT."
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  36. •
    Be aware that when a fellow traveler walks past you in the aero-plane on their way to the in-flight aero-plane sanctuary, it is very likely that their buttocks will thump you in the side of your head as he/she passes by. This is normal, and a natural side-effect of aero-plane travel.
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  37. •
    Hark! Yon is your destination, the New York City! Manhattan always appears, to your Midwestern eyes, as a swath of stubbly skin in need of a shave.
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  38. •
    Ah, New York City newspapers. You will need to buy a few of these to assess the Goings On in the city and elsewhere.
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  39. •
    Do not look anyone on the subway directly in the eyeballs unless you are ready to "throw down" into a heated altercation as eye contact is considered a serious Act of Aggression. Look at people's shoes and pant cuffs only.
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  40. •
    You have arrived onto Manhattan via aero-plane, bus and subway. Proceed with the rest of your travel itinerary, feel free to enjoy a pastrami on rye and keep an "eye" out for e. Coli.
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  41. •