IF OKCUPID ALLOWED CUSTOMER REVIEWS LIKE AMAZON.COM ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Inspired by a conversation I had with the illustrious @mlb
- •TWO STARS: Our first date started out amazing…fine wine on the terrace at the student union. She is quite pretty. But then she got a super serious/ominous look on her face and asked if I had ever been “corned beef hashed” and when I laughed nervously and asked her what that meant she produced from her handbag a can of corned beef and a funnel.
- •ONE STAR: Sheila wore a pretty green dress on our first date and the dress had these little patches of adorable white clouds all over it and when we sat down for dinner I complimented her on the clouds and she said they were not clouds but that they were bodily fluids and then she pointed to a cloudless spot and said "This is all you, buddy!"
- •THREE STARS: Sooooooo, Katie is interesting. First off, I was really curious to know what she looked like without the mime makeup she has on in every one of her OKC photos but guess what: SHE IS A MIME. So we didn't talk much. Or she didn't. And we mostly just leaned on counters and pulled rope for the whole date. Well, you know, imaginary rope.
- •THREE STARS: Amber was one of those women who only put photos up that don't show her face. We were like a 100% match, though, so I took a chance. Anyway, I showed up for the date at this hip taco stand and it turns out Amber is my twin sister Amber who is also my roommate. So that was a surprise. Later on, however, the sex was amazing as usual.
- •FIVE STARS: Guys OMG. Alex is gorgeous. She is a blonde, Norwegian super model but she only has so-so pictures on OKC so that she doesn't get swamped with messages. We sat down at the bar for a drink and got to talking and it turns out she wrote a best-selling book on going down on a man. And she LOVES football and pictures of bros holding fish!
- •TWO STARS: Mandy's profile was all about her love of dancing and how she just *cannot* stop dancing. Ok, fun! I'm not an amazing dancer myself, but I can shake my tail like any average fella. So I went to this bar near my apartment where we were to rendezvous at 8 pm. Mandy danced through the front door and then danced right out the back door. Huh.
- •ONE STAR: Beware Edna's profile is 100% fabricated! I was super excited to meet the wrinkly, illiterate, octogenarian fem-dom shut-in as she portrays herself in her profile but it turns out Edna is actually a 22-year-old submissive "roller girl" named Flower. BO-RING. We had nothing to talk about and when she asked if I wanted to spank her, I left.
- •THREE STARS: Welp. I waited in the McDonalds ball pit for over an hour. No-show. Pretty frustrating. When I got back home, though, I realized that Lana is a profile one of my other "multiple personalities" had created. So I/she/he/we actually did not stand me up after all. Thus the three stars. BTW: if you want to date Lana, I am her on THURSDAYS.
- •FIVE STARS: Amazing date. I picked "Keg" (as she likes to be called) up at the loading dock and we went to the gun range. We shot our way through TEN BOXES of hollow points! Then we went to a bar and she beat me at an Old Milwaukee drinking contest. Then we ate a yak. Then we humped in my pick up while her four beagles howled like Jesus. YEEEEEHAWW
- •FIVE STARS: Met Dee Dee at the Halloween party. She was dressed as The Angel of Death. I got pretty drunk and fell off the balcony, splattering like a water balloon all over the pavement below. And the most hilarious part: turns out Dee Dee actually *IS* The Angel of Death! So she ferried me over The River Styx and, I must say, Hades is pretty 💯!