Inspired by the Michael Pollan book of almost the same name.
  1. Eat junk food, too much, mostly processed.
  2. A good source of your recommend daily serving of dye is Jell-O and Kool-Aid.
  3. Always eat cheeseburgers with an egg on top.
  4. You can never have too much moonshine.
  5. Frozen dinner entrées are a good daily source of ice.
  6. Kit-Kat candy bars are high in Vitamin K.
  7. The more individual plastic pouches of processed ingredients that are in the box, the healthier it is.
  8. The greener a food is, the grosser it is.
  9. Water is for sissies.
  10. Pringles are a Super Food.
  11. Your liver needs a good daily workout, unlike muscles.
  12. If your great-grandmother would recognize it as food, it is probably disgusting.
  13. Always add salt before tasting.
  14. Ingredients you don't understand are the best ones for you because they are science.
  15. Drink high-fructose corn syrup in place of water.
  16. The more ingredients with seven or more syllables, the better.
  17. The more health claims on the box, the healthier it is.
  18. When you see a commercial for a food on TV, buy it immediately.
  19. It isn't worth your time to read the Nutritional Facts.
  20. The healthiest foods in the grocery store are in the bulk candy section and the beer aisle.
  21. Antioxidants make it hard to breathe.
  22. Preservatives will prolong your life.
  23. Farmer's markets are covered in E. coli.
  24. Snack between meals every 15 minutes.
  25. Eat ten canned goods to every one grape.
  26. The rule is: processing plants over regular plants.
  27. The leaves of plants have the most bugs on them.
  28. Drive-thru windows promote active lifestyles.
  29. Spinach water is toxic.
  30. Growth hormones in meat will enhance your breast and/or penis size.
  31. Fruit roll-ups before fruit.
  32. If it grows in dirt, it tastes like dirt.
  33. Organic is another way of saying overpriced.
  34. French fries cure cancer.
  35. The whiter the bread, the happier the family.
  36. A can of icing makes for a perfect lunch.
  37. Yogurt is full of deadly bacteria.
  38. Eat as much as possible at every meal.
  39. Eat quickly.
  40. Chew each bite once, then swallow.
  41. Eat out of the largest bowl you own.
  42. Always eat alone.
  43. Cooking is too time consuming.
  44. Before long, *not* having diabetes will be very uncool.
  45. All-you-can-eat buffets are great for your waistline *and* your bottom line.
  46. If you need to give a blowjob for a Klondike Bar, you DO IT.
  47. Eat to fill, not to enjoy.