You know who I mean. Those Greenpeace or Habitat for Humanity or Red Cross or PETA people. Here's what to do when they approach you on the sidewalk about their cause.
  1. Ask them if they'd like to come home with you, take a bath together and talk about it.
  2. Give them a close, lingering hug.
  3. Always go around with your own clipboard and make them listen to your pitch before you'll hear theirs.
  4. Smile broadly while slowly lowering the fly of your pantaloons. If you are wearing a skirt, slowly lower the fly of your skirt. If your skirt does not have a fly, you will need to pay these people sorry.
  5. Take out a measuring tape and try to take measurements of their limbs while giggling. Quote the serial killer in Silence of the Lambs.
  6. Repeat everything they say right after they say it. You are an exact mirror image of them.
  8. Pretend like you do not speak English. If they try another language on you, start speaking in gibberish.
  9. Puke on their shoes and then take off your shirt and clean their shoes with it.
  10. Say "Oh. I just broke up with someone who works for [name of their organization]." And then cry and cry and cry.
  11. Just start dancing and ask them to join you.
  12. Ask them if they take Greek currency.
  13. Ask them more questions than they ask you.
    "How do I know YOU really care about the trees? PROVE IT."
  14. Pretend you are a mime.
  15. Pretend you are a stray dog.
  16. Pretend you are an undercover police officer and ask to see their permit. If they produce a permit, say it is the wrong permit.
  17. Spend literally fifteen consecutive minutes looking through your pockets for money and then shrug and say, "Oopsie! I forgot. I'm broke!"
  18. Ask to see their literature and, when they give it to you, eat it.
  19. Palm them two C-notes and keep walking.
    Lest you think I believe their causes unworthy.