MY DARKEST MOMENT ⚫️

Inspired by @ListPrompts
  1. It was mid-March of 1994.
  2. I had just rushed through undergraduate school (University of Minnesota - Twin Cities) and completed a B.A. in theatre arts (with a minor in cultural studies and comparative literature) in 2.5 years instead of the usual 4 years.
  3. Why? Why did I zoom through school? Why didn't I slow down and enjoy myself? Party? Smoke weed? Have reckless sexual encounters? Live rent/responsibility free? To this day, I'm still not sure what all the hurry was about.
  4. Anyway, it was close to the end of the second trimester. I had a few weeks until I needed to pack up my dorm room and move back home.
  5. It turns out I had planned very poorly. I didn't have a job lined up. Or roommates to room with. Or any actual life trajectory at all.
  6. So my very loose plan was to move back to the town I grew up in, Appleton, Wisconsin, and continue to delivery pizzas for Pizza Pit, just like I had before college.
  7. And move back in with my mom. It would be like I'd never left in the first place, except now my few friends were gone/moved away/still in college elsewhere.
  8. But that plan SUCKED WET DOGS. And the last thing I wanted to do was to move back to Appleton...a small, boring, WASP-y, close-minded town that I had narrowly escaped in the first place.
  9. So I was super sad.
  10. And mega-personally and existentially depressed.
  11. And feeling very alone and friendless and hopeless.
  12. And had felt like this for what seemed like forever.
  13. And I happened to be sitting on the edge of the dormitory bed just then, lost in thought.
  14. (I had just been changing the trash bag in my little dorm bathroom.)
  15. When I decided I'd...
  16. Just quietly make an exit. So I pulled the trash bag over my head.
  17. It was white.
  18. And semi-translucent.
  19. So I could still see through it.
  20. I reached over for the box of trash bags and pulled a second trash bag over the first for good measure.
  21. And then I managed to get a rubber band over my head in order to seal off the bag around my neck.
  22. I relaxed back onto the pillows of my bed and concentrated on my breathing.
  23. At first, it seemed like it would be an easy death. Just kind of getting dizzy and light-headed and fading to black. I arranged my body how I wanted it to be found.
  24. But then my head started to hurt.
  25. And my breathing got labored.
  26. And the air inside the bag got really hot.
  27. And I panicked. Or I lost my nerve. Or both. There was ringing in my ears. I could actually see stars.
  28. So I ripped the bags open in front of my face, out-of-sorts, hazy-headed, my face covered in sweat. And oh, I was so angry.
  29. Angry for doing what I'd just done. Angry I could not finish what I'd started. Angry at my life. Angry at the walls of my room. And I'd wanted just then for suicide to be romantic and quiet and easy.
  30. Whew. Okay. Darkest moment. Not sure I've ever told anyone about that.
  31. ⚫️