MY GREATEST FEARS, BY YEAR

I feel like Benjamin Button just now
  1. 2015: will i survive this breakup?
    I did
  2. 2014: am i a good enough dad?
  3. 2013: will this movie producer ever appreciate the amount of fucking work i do for him for almost no pay and will the effort be worth it?
  4. 2012: will i ever feel settled again?
  5. 2011: I'm living in a rented house with two other divorced men I don't know and feel adrift. Will i ever get back on my feet again?
  6. 2010: everything I ever thought about the American Dream and getting married and having a family is crumbling before my eyes. What do I do now?
  7. 2009: will i be able to pay all my bills and keep my house?
  8. 2008: oh shit the financial crisis all of my clients are dropping like flies how will i make ends meet?
  9. 2007: will i crumble under all of this crushing stress?
  10. 2006: this house is way too big for us. Was buying it a mistake?
  11. 2005: oh shit have I pigeon-holed myself job-skill-wise?! Should i retrain to be something else?
  12. 2004: will i get enough clients after this one big contract ends to survive?
  13. 2003: will i be able to raise a family and still do creative projects that feed my soul?
  14. 2002: will i ever finish writing this 800-page book about database programming?
  15. 2001: will i ever get a full night of uninterrupted sleep again?
  16. 2000: oh shit my dot.com company just folded and we just bought a house and we have a baby on the way and how am i going to float this boat oh shit oh shit
  17. 1999: what if marrying her is a big mistake?
  18. 1998: do i really want to date her exclusively?
  19. 1997: shit i just got fired. What if I can't find work?
  20. 1996: i like her, but am i ready to move in with her??
  21. 1995: moving to Chicago by myself omg i will get mugged and murdered
  22. 1994: what is the point of life? Maybe there is no point. Maybe I should just kill myself.
  23. 1993: holy shit will i ever find a job with a degree in theatre and comparative literature?
  24. 1992: what if i never have sex?
  25. 1991: what if i hate college? I won't know anyone. It is a new, big city. Aaaaahh!
  26. 1990: what if I don't get into college and am stuck forever in Appleton, WI?
  27. 1989: what if I never have a girlfriend??
  28. 1988: getting caught masturbating by my mom
  29. 1987: this fucking bully named Ray Buchko
  30. 1986: other boys seeing my penis in the showers after gym class
  31. 1985: is middle school going to be awful? Will i know anyone? Will people make fun of my braces and glasses and pimples?
  32. 1984: Freddy Krueger killing me
  33. 1983: my parents are divorced. My mom is depressed. My dad is gone. I am angry all the time. Will it ever get better?
  34. 1982: what if after my parents are divorced my mom moves us away to Michigan and I never get to see my daddy again?
  35. 1981: this fucking ventriloquist dummy i got as a Christmas present. It is going to climb down off that shelf and murder me!
  36. 1980: jason from Friday the 13th killing me in my bedroom at night
  37. 1979: walking home from my friend Steve's home after dark. Cemeteries.
  38. 1978: what if i hate school? What if i miss my mom? What if she doesn't come get me when it's over?
  39. 1977: drowning after my parents force me to take swimming lessons at the Y all year
  40. 1976: getting stuck in Oobleck from Bartholomew and the Oobleck
  41. 1975: the crazy scary soldiers printed on the wallpaper of my room
  42. 1974: mom was just here in the kitchen with me while I hang in this doorway in a Johnny-Jump-Up but she left and what if she doesn't come back ever ever? Also: our schnauzer.
  43. 1973: what are these two terrifying, five-legged things that keep hitting me in the face and what if they come back?
  44. 1972: how will I ever fit through so small a hole?