MY LIFE STATISTICS 📊📉

Wouldn't it be great to actually know these statistics as we went through life in realtime? You know you'd want to know. Come on, Apple, invent this app!
  1. 1.
    Times I've unwittingly eaten a large insect: 16
  2. 2.
    Women who wanted me to ask for their phone number but I was too shy to: 280
  3. 3.
    Hours until my death: 42,981
  4. 4.
    Times a cook spit in my food: 6
  5. 5.
    Times a cook jizzed in my food: 2
  6. 6.
    Times I said something to someone that later made them cry: 1,269
  7. 7.
    Times I did something that immediately led to someone's death: 2
  8. 8.
    Squirrels I have run over: 1,390
  9. 9.
    Insects that have exploded against my windshield: 2,452,601
  10. 10.
    Books I have read: 4,612
  11. 11.
    People who had serious crushes on me that never told me about it: 45
  12. 12.
    Emails I have sent: 287,984
  13. 13.
    Hours I have slept: 118,567
  14. 14.
    Hours I've spent watching TV: 27,566
  15. 15.
    Total calories I've burned: 29,412,500
  16. 16.
    People I have slept with: 972
    JK
  17. 17.
    Number of people who made a detailed plan to murder me: 6
  18. 18.
    Total number of things I Liked on social media: 27,145
  19. 19.
    Total number of days I spent Liking things on social media: 256
  20. 20.
    Hours I spent waiting for a computer to do something: 17,512
  21. 21.
    People who have secretly cheated on me: 8
  22. 22.
    Times my regular Powerball numbers were the winning Powerball numbers but I forgot to play: 1
  23. 23.
    Total $ I've spent on alcohol: $49,512
  24. 24.
    Total miles I've traveled: 3,099,555
  25. 25.
    Number of people I've met: 3,511
  26. 26.
    Flights I missed that went on to crash: 1
  27. 27.
    Gallons of coffee I've drunk: 89,223
  28. 28.
    Words I know the definition of: 37,512
  29. 29.
    Times a spider or cockroach has crawled across my face while I was asleep: 98
  30. 30.
    Miles of toilet paper I've used: 57.4
  31. 31.
    People alive right now that look exactly like me: 18
  32. 32.
    Sentences I've said that no one else in the history of humankind has ever uttered before or since: 12
  33. 33.
    Pancakes I've flipped: 2,001
  34. 34.
    Diapers I've changed: 5,672