MY TWO AUNT CATHYS 👩🏽👩🏻

  1. This is a true story.
  2. My Aunt Cathy, my dad's only sibling, has always been a cuckoo bird.
  3. She eloped with some dude when she was 16.
  4. She did a lot of drugs.
  5. She once spiked my mom's drink with LSD.
  6. Every time you saw Aunt Cathy, her hair was a different color.
  7. One time, she asked my dad to lend her money in order to make mortgage payments.
  8. But instead, she used the money to get a boob job.
  9. And then appeared topless in the "Beaver Hunt" section of HUSTLER magazine.
  10. Yeah. Anyway, when I was maybe about eight years old, she married this hippy, bearded dude named Steve.
  11. And for about ten years, they played house in Sandwich, Illinois. Their neighbor was David Hasselhoff's grandmother.
  12. They were my Aunt Cathy and my Uncle Steve.
  13. But then they got divorced.
  14. And my Aunt Cathy married a guy named George.
  15. And they lived together for about five years.
  16. They were my Aunt Cathy and my Uncle George.
  17. George was kind of an asshole, but he taught me how to bartend.
  18. And how to remove the entire peel of a lemon in one piece using only an ice pick.
  19. And then they got divorced.
  20. A few years after that, my Aunt Cathy married Steve again, and they were Aunt Cathy and Uncle Steve again.
  21. Then they got divorced again.
  22. My Uncle Steve (now just Steve to me) got married to another woman named Cathy.
  23. And then at some point, they got divorced, too.
  24. But apparently, my Aunt Cathy and Steve and the other Cathy were all still friends.
  25. And when Steve, who had smoked heavily for decades, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, both Cathys were very distraught.
  26. And the Cathy who wasn't my aunt moved in with Steve to take care of him.
  27. And at some point, my Aunt Cathy moved in with Steve and Cathy to help Cathy take care of Steve.
  28. After a time, Steve passed away.
  29. And the two Cathys had a funeral.
  30. And the two Cathys mourned together.
  31. And the two Cathys cared for each other.
  32. And, at some point, my Aunt Cathy and the other Cathy started dating each other.
  33. And the two Cathys became a couple.
  34. And my Aunt Cathy wanted me and my brother to think of the other Cathy as our other Aunt Cathy.
  35. And so, once upon a time, I had an Aunt Cathy and another Aunt Cathy.
  36. But then they broke up, too.
  37. And now I have just one Aunt Cathy again.
  38. And she sells cheesy beaded jewelry on Etsy.
  39. THE END
  40. P.S. I swear I did not make any of this up.