SERIOUS LINES FROM "THE SONG OF SOLOMON" (IN THE BIBLE) THAT READ HUMOROUSLY IN 2015

So I am sick, on my couch under a blanket, sipping tea and reading random things. I just read the "Song of Solomon (aka "The Song of Songs") from The Bible for the first time. It's a truly beautiful love poem, but some lines read differently/make me laugh in 2015. Following is my astute, biblical commentary on my favorite lines:
  1. "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!"
    As opposed to kisses originating from which other male body part?
  2. "While the king was on his couch, my nard gave forth its fragrance."
    Pretty sexy/porn-y-sounding, amirite?? Then I looked up "nard" in the OED. It means "fragrant ointment." Less porn-y. Unless taken metaphorically and then HUBBA HUBBA.
  3. "My beloved is to me a bag of myrrh that lies between my breasts."
    This poem is filled with unusual "compliments." What would your lover say today if you told her/him "You're like this strong-smelling resin smeared on my cleavage?"
  4. "Your hair is like a flock of goats, moving down the slopes of Gilead."
    I have not tried using a goat metaphor to compliment a woman but do not think that it would have a positive outcome.
  5. "Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes that have come up from the washing,"
    "Your teeth are like damp, freshly-washed, girl sheep who have just gotten a haircut." OK.
  6. "Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies."
    "Your boobs are like two hungry, baby deer twins eating flowers." I would like to meet a woman where this was true. And take pictures and put them on the Instagram.
  7. "You have ravaged my heart, my sister, my bride,"
    Whoa whoa whoa. Nowadays, marrying your sister is frowned upon.
  8. "the scent of your garments is like the scent of Lebanon."
    I have not been to Lebanon. Does it smell super amazing? But anyway I do not think this would come across as a compliment here in North Carolina, The USA.
  9. "My beloved is all radiant and ruddy,"
    I would not like it if you called me "red-faced" because then I feel like I look shy and embarrassed instead of like He-Man/Hercules.
  10. "His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars."
    More with the Lebanon. Truly Lebanon is a spectacular, romantic place we should all visit ASAP.
  11. "You are beautiful as Tirzah, my love, comely as Jerusalem, terrible as an army with banners."
    Starts off strong but then takes a left turn at "Hey, you look awful, like a marching battalion of soldiers."
  12. "Your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine."
    All RIGHT. Now he's getting kinky and wants to drink wine out of her belly button. Tell me more...
  13. "Your belly is a heap of wheat,"
    Nonono. The belly button wine thing is HOT. But saying her abs look like a pile of cereal grain is gonna take her out of the moment.
  14. "Your neck is like an ivory tower"
    So her neck is too long??
  15. "Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon"
    Yay, Lebanon! But I think you're saying her nose is long like Pinocchio and/or you're calling her a liar. Neither of which are going to get you in her panties.
  16. "You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters"
    "You are tall and you have coconut boobs." Translated without comment.
  17. "O that you were like a brother to me, that nursed at my mother's breast"
    I am not sure how I would feel if I was making out with someone and they told me they wished we had both breastfed together from the same Mom. Probably, it would be a turnoff. Unless I was by then overwhelmed by her Lebanon-smell.
  18. "I would lead you and bring you into the house of my mother, and into the chamber of the one who bore me."
    This sounds a little creepy and Oedipal.
  19. "for love as strong as death, passion as fierce as the grave."
    Nowadays, we just don't compare love and passion with death and decay.
  20. "I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers;"
    Try as I may, I am having a difficult time imagining breasts that look like towers.