STAR TREK: NEXT GENERATION REWATCH

Remember how amazing everyone thought this was when it first came out? Great special effects? Progressive thinking? Or maybe you don't remember since it was 1987 😬. I still love you. Anyway, I've been binge-watching season 1 as "comfort food" and what follows are my REALLY IMPORTANT, miscellaneous, as-I-felt-them feels and wonderings.
  1. 1.
    Often when the script calls for a very old person character, they would cast a young person in heavy "old person" make up. Why? GET AN ACTUAL OLD GUY 👴🏼👴🏾
  2. 2.
    Why has it been decades and decades and—even in 2015—every alien species in every science-fiction movie and television show is basically humanoid with a different kind of head and different funky skin color? Can we imagine anything even slightly different than this?
  3. 3.
    Really? Captain Picard brought heavy, paper books onto the Enterprise?
  4. 4.
    The series is embarrassingly sexist. Women always portrayed as sexy, brainless minx characters in heavy makeup. Star Fleet uniforms for anonymous background female crew-members always show bare legs and emphasize breasts. Many episodes indulge male fantasies like when men are subservient slaves on a world run by hot females.
  5. 5.
    Whenever they are about to "beam up", characters step away from other nearby characters. Is this required? Is it possible to accidentally beam part of someone else up if they stand too close to you?
  6. 6.
    Sometimes an officer will say "three to beam up" and one of the people to beam up does not work on the Enterprise and the three people to beam up are standing in a crowd of many other people. How does the Enterprise know which of the people down on the planet without an Enterprise badge on to beam up from that crowd?
  7. 7.
    Every private quarters on the Enterprise has fake plant decorations.
  8. 8.
    Sometimes two characters are in the hollodeck very far away from one another even though the hollodeck itself is a very small room. This is physically impossible.
  9. 9.
    Patrick Stewart's accent is not at all French-sounding and his actual French is awful.
  10. 10.
    Often an entire mystery could be solved in an instant if Counselor Troi would just read some character's mind. But she is either at those moments not around or confused.
  11. 11.
    Everyone in the far future has the same fashion sense and that fashion sense is iridescent silk unitards.
  12. 12.
    Convenient how when any character goes on the hollodeck they choose 20th century America as their destination, isn't it? Not one of them wants to hang out in 22nd century Russia, I guess?
  13. 13.
    Often, Dr. Crusher is tapping her finger on something that is supposed to be the precursor to an iPad but in reality looks no more sophisticated than a plastic cutting board with colored shapes painted onto it.
  14. 14.
    Without exception, every alien race they ever encounter already happens to speak perfect English. They don't even pretend like they are holding up translation devices or something.
  15. 15.
    The more blinking LEDs, the more high-tech something is supposed to be.
  16. 16.
    Worf is this great warrior but is often knocked out in one punch.
  17. 17.
    Data is a walking computer with the most sophisticated artificial brain ever constructed and yet other crewmembers always must explain very simple concepts to him. "I am not familiar with this term 'joke.'"
    "Well Data a joke is when..." No I think Data has a Dictionary app built in probably
  18. 18.
    Whenever they beam down to a new planet, it either looks like they are filming on location on Earth or it looks super fake and the sky is one color lit by floodlights and there are a few papier-mâché rocks on the ground.
  19. 19.
    Whenever Data needs to learn about something very fast, he will pull up digital e-books and read them with his eyeballs. I feel like he must have a USB port somewhere or be able to access info via wireless Bluetooth or something.
  20. 20.
    Why don't they always go warp 9 everywhere? Are there speed limits in space?
  21. 21.
    "Earl gray, hot." Why does he have to specify hot? Do people get Earl gray cold? And why doesn't he have to specify that he also wants it in a cup? The computer is apparently making many assumptions already.
  22. 22.
    Okay literally the set decoration style in anyone's quarters is always "When in doubt, fake plant, art print of outer space on the wall, green liquid in glass pitcher, blinking object and purple furniture."
  23. 23.
    You never see the captain scrubbing algae off the sides of the inside of his fish tank. This is so unrealistic. Algae always builds up. Always.
  24. 24.
    Riker is very good at playing the trombone but he never practices.
  25. 25.
    It is apparently very easy to completely take over and steal the entire Enterprise. It happens like twice every episode.
  26. 26.
    The little, everyday, key fob phasers that they all carry around do not seem any less powerful than the large, chunky phasers that they keep in the "WEAPONS ROOM".
  27. 27.
    Not one male crew member has a low-cut V-neck uniform like Troi. Not one. Not even Geordi.
  28. 28.
    Light coming through the windows even in the middle of deep space.
  29. 29.
    When the Enterprise is warping around, what are all the little white light particles whizzing past? Stars? Very, very small stars?
  30. 30.
    If Data wants to be more human, why doesn't he choose a more human name for himself?
  31. 31.
    When you beam up, why is there a sound involved? That beamy, flute-y sound?
  32. 32.
    I don't think the writers consulted any scientists.
  33. 33.
    If a male crew member has sex in the Hollodeck does the Hollodeck A.I. do something with the sperm/ejaculate so that it doesn't just fall to the floor when the simulation is over with? Otherwise, it seems to me, it would start to get rather sticky in there.
  34. 34.
    Data cannot consult Strunk & White, 124th edition, to figure out when to use contractions but...he can figure out how to make love to Lieutenant Yar and paint oil paintings?
    ::shrug emoji::
  35. 35.
    Every time there is an "away team", the entire bridge staff leaves the bridge. Like, why isn't the away team a completely different team of also awesome crew members?
  36. 36.
    It is centuries in the future. There are no diseases. Everything has been cured. Except male pattern baldness.
  37. 37.
    How does the transporter know how to put your feet exactly on the ground when it beams you down? Wouldn't you occasionally materialize with some pebbles or part of the floor stuck to your foot?
  38. 38.
    Vulcans always seem 100% annoyed to work for Star Fleet. Why don't they GTFO and go home?
  39. 39.
    Often, crewmembers use the word "computer" in front of the computer when they aren't talking to the computer right then and the computer doesn't try to reply. Why not?
  40. 40.
    Everyone always passes on amazing professional promotions.
  41. 41.
    Sometimes a crewmember is walking headlong toward one of the automatic doorways but stops at the last minute to turn around and say some dialogue but the automatic door doesn't open even when they get very close to it. Only after the crewmember finishes the dialogue and turns to go does the door open. That is a very. Smart. Doorway.
  42. 42.
    Sorry now I have to start yelling
  43. 43.
    NO SEAT-BELTS ANYWHERE
  44. 44.
    OR SIDE CURTAIN AIRBAGS
  45. 45.
    OR LIKE MIRROR ARMOR SUITS TO REFLECT ENEMY PHASERS AWAY SO YOU DON'T GET EVAPORATED
  46. 46.
    OR OXYGEN MASKS THAT DROP DOWN FROM THE CEILING IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY
  47. 47.
    LITERALLY NO SAFETY GEAR ANYWHERE NOT EVEN LIFE PRESERVERS