STORY OF A CYCLOPS

By Chris Kubica (and Homer)
  1. Once upon a time, there was a cyclops.
  2. He lived long ago on the island of Sicily in the Mediterranean Sea.
  3. His name was Polyphemus, and he was a lonely shepherd.
  4. He would often sit at the top of a hill by himself, watching over his flock, wishing he had someone to talk to.
  5. The rose-red sunset appeared very flat to him because, with only one eye, he couldn't see with perspective.
  6. One day, upon returning home to his cave in the side of a mountain, he discovered a bunch of tiny men eating his mutton and drinking his wine.
  7. And so he ate two of the tiny men.
  8. Just like that.
  9. Popped them into his mouth and swallowed them down in one gulp.
  10. Polyphemus was angry at the little men for coming in and violating his privacy without permission.
  11. So rather than being a good host and making up tiny straw beds for the men and putting his two best rams on the spit, Polyphemus barred the entrance to the cave with a giant boulder.
  12. That night he heard one of the wee fellows cry and chatter his teeth in fear.
  13. The next morning, Polyphemus forced two of the tiny men to eat garlic and capers and rosemary.
  14. And then he fried them up in a pan for breakfast.
  15. And made himself a barrel of cappuccino.
  16. Later, he made dessert...
  17. With two scoops of men.
  18. And a handful of cannoli.
  19. And two cows-worth of whipped cream.
  20. And a chariot on top.
  21. That night, Polyphemus let his guard down.
  22. And when one of the little men, whose name was "Nobody" offered him some wine to drink, Polyphemus guzzled it all down.
  23. And got quite unexpectedly drunk.
  24. And promised with a laugh to eat Nobody last of all.
  25. And fell asleep by his raging hearth.
  26. And then Nobody drove a fire-hardened stake into Polyphemus's eye, blinding him.
  27. Polyphemus cried out in agony and fear.
  28. Polyphemus shouted for help: "Nobody is killing me!"
  29. And, thinking Polyphemus was crazy, no one came to his aid.
  30. The next morning, sightless Polyphemus removed the boulder to let his flock out to graze.
  31. And the remaining tiny men clung to the bottoms of the sheep as they went out, escaping with their lives.
  32. And when the tiny men were almost out of earshot, Polyphemus heard Nobody shout that his true name was Odysseus.
  33. And to this day
  34. At dusk
  35. When the moon is full
  36. You can see old, blind Polyphemus
  37. Using an olive tree as a cane
  38. Roaming the hills of Sicily
  39. Praying to his father, Poseidon, for revenge
  40. Searching for the clever little hero who had gotten the better of him.
  41. The End