1. I say "Macbeth" when I'm in a theater seeing Macbeth because fuck curses. MACBETH MACBETH MACBETH
  2. I do not wish upon a star because I'd rather wish upon fucking applying myself
  3. I owned a black cat for 15 years and he crossed my path 49 times a day and IT WAS GREAT
  4. I walk under ladders because fuck ladders and I'm trying to go over there and this is the shortest path
  5. I broke a mirror once and then had a great decade afterward
  6. When you sneeze I won't say gesundheit or "bless you" because I'm a fucking Atheist and who wants me to draw attention to their sneeze anyway??
  7. I don't "knock on wood" because fuck wood and anyway most things people knock on are made of compressed sawdust and glue
  8. I don't have a "lucky" anything because fuck luck
  9. I walk on cracks in the sidewalk because whatever, crack-avoiding people, and my mom's back is not under the sidewalk
  10. I breathe normally when I drive past cemeteries and BTW cemeteries are such a complete waste of space
  11. I do whatever I was normally going to do on Friday the 13th because who invented that anyway it is just like any other day
  12. If two bad things happen I don't worry about a third bad thing happening because bad and good things happen in FUCKING RANDOM AMOUNTS
  13. I open umbrellas indoors because I fucking want them to get dry
  14. I do not cross my fingers for good luck because I don't cross body parts for good luck and because see #8
  15. If I see a penny, I decidedly do NOT pick it up because WTF can I do with a penny? And it is probably covered in E. coli
  16. I do not throw coins into wishing wells because I do not want to give the shopping mall my money except for when I'm fucking buying something
  17. If I spill salt I do not toss it over my shoulder because that would make a mess and what if someone is behind me?
  18. If my palm itches, I put on fucking lotion