SUPERSTITIONS CAN FUCK OFF

  1. 1.
    I say "Macbeth" when I'm in a theater seeing Macbeth because fuck curses. MACBETH MACBETH MACBETH
  2. 2.
    I do not wish upon a star because I'd rather wish upon fucking applying myself
  3. 3.
    I owned a black cat for 15 years and he crossed my path 49 times a day and IT WAS GREAT
  4. 4.
    I walk under ladders because fuck ladders and I'm trying to go over there and this is the shortest path
  5. 5.
    I broke a mirror once and then had a great decade afterward
  6. 6.
    When you sneeze I won't say gesundheit or "bless you" because I'm a fucking Atheist and who wants me to draw attention to their sneeze anyway??
  7. 7.
    I don't "knock on wood" because fuck wood and anyway most things people knock on are made of compressed sawdust and glue
  8. 8.
    I don't have a "lucky" anything because fuck luck
  9. 9.
    I walk on cracks in the sidewalk because whatever, crack-avoiding people, and my mom's back is not under the sidewalk
  10. 10.
    I breathe normally when I drive past cemeteries and BTW cemeteries are such a complete waste of space
  11. 11.
    I do whatever I was normally going to do on Friday the 13th because who invented that anyway it is just like any other day
  12. 12.
    If two bad things happen I don't worry about a third bad thing happening because bad and good things happen in FUCKING RANDOM AMOUNTS
  13. 13.
    I open umbrellas indoors because I fucking want them to get dry
  14. 14.
    I do not cross my fingers for good luck because I don't cross body parts for good luck and because see #8
  15. 15.
    If I see a penny, I decidedly do NOT pick it up because WTF can I do with a penny? And it is probably covered in E. coli
  16. 16.
    I do not throw coins into wishing wells because I do not want to give the shopping mall my money except for when I'm fucking buying something
  17. 17.
    If I spill salt I do not toss it over my shoulder because that would make a mess and what if someone is behind me?
  18. 18.
    If my palm itches, I put on fucking lotion