THE AWESOMEST PARTS OF MIDDLE-AGE

All you List Appers with your lists about "finally becoming an adult." You ain't seen nuthin'. It just KEEPS GETTING BETTER. Here's how:
  1. 1.
    Finally paying off your student loans is anticlimactic because now you're all like saving for college and it will cost $47 billion per kid to send them to MIT by the time they are 18.
  2. 2.
    You notice that the mornings where you wake up with some generalized, low-grade all-body pain outnumber the days when you wake up pain-free.
  3. 3.
    Whenever you notice a new mole on your body, you're like "Yep, that's definitely cancer."
  4. 4.
    When your dermatologist sees any new mole and is like "Yep, why don't we cut that off just in case." AWESOME.
  5. 5.
    When your eye doctor is like "I think it's time you considered progressive lenses." FUCK YOU EYE EXPERT
  6. 6.
    When someone who is about 25 starts talking to you about the bands they like and you nod and "Mmmhmm" but you have never heard of any of these people. And all of these people were probably born after you were legal drinking age.
  7. 7.
    When you're like "When I'm twice my age I will be 85!" Fuck you, Father Time.
  8. 8.
    When your kid holds up something for you to read and you're like "Whoa, too close!" and wonder where your reading glasses are.
  9. 9.
    When you realize you do that thing where you pat down your body—even in places where you don't have pockets—to make sure you've got your glasses or your keys or whatever the fuck else when you are about to leave for somewhere.
  10. 10.
    When you start thinking more about the past than about the future.
    This isn't always bad. Memory does make for good writing prompts, after all.
  11. 11.
    When you want to get the #10 spice level at the Thai place but your body isn't invincible anymore and you know you will regret anything hotter than a #6.
  12. 12.
    You apply for your first mortgage and you go to the closing and get to the page where you have to sign your signature to verify that your signature is your signature. And then you want to run away and be dead.
  13. 13.
    Hemorrhoids.
    This is by far the awesomest part.
  14. 14.
    When you actually think things like "In my day, you would leave for a trip and not have a cell phone and BE COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH WITH EVERYONE UNTIL YOU GOT THERE OMG."
  15. 15.
    When you think about how the only acronyms the kids your age used in grade school (before LOL et al) were ones like SCUBA and LASER.
  16. 16.
    When you're all like "I do want to buy that very impractical hard-top convertible car. I do, I really do. But I probably instead should save for my daughter's braces."
  17. 17.
    When you sometimes just feel kind of grouchy and old guy-y.
  18. 18.
    When you inevitably have that "youth is wasted on the young" feeling. Srsly, there should be a class in elementary, middle and high school called "How Not to Waste Your Youth." But I suppose that would be a waste of time, eh, other old people?
  19. 19.
    When you look in the mirror and have the following cathartic moment: OMG I look just like my mom/dad did when I was a kid and s/he was this age!!
  20. 20.
    When you can't help but tell Dad Jokes in front of your children.
  21. 21.
    When you embarrass your children in public even though at one point you told yourself you'd never be the parent who did that shit.
  22. 22.
    How diligent you must be each and every day to control the ever-increasing amount of nose and ear hair.
  23. 23.
    When your parents start dying.
  24. 24.
    When all your other older relatives start dying and/or are dead.
  25. 25.
    When all of your teachers, heroes, favorite writers, favorite actors—everyone you knew of as a kid—start dying.
  26. 26.
    When you ever have the thought "They just don't make 'em like they used to."
  27. 27.
    When you realize that diet and exercise isn't a thing you can do for a little bit and at some point you are finally done doing them. Nope. Now, it is a daily struggle every single goddam day for the rest of your life. You need to eat well and exercise to survive. And it keeps getting harder to do and the results are less and less satisfying.
  28. 28.
    When a birthday is coming up or Xmas is coming up and you're all like "I don't want a present."
  29. 29.
    When you just want to wake up and have it be 1982 again so you could do it all over again but this time you'd ask that one girl out and come up with Facebook before Zuck does and suck the marrow out of life, etc.
  30. 30.
    P. S. LIFE IS STILL GREAT THO 💋💋💋💋😉