1. The 4th of July is when the United States declared independence from Great Britain.
  2. The 4th of July Observed is the day before that. I assume this is when all The Founding Fathers were sitting around, shaking in their Colonial boots, deciding what to do. Should we declare it? Should we not declare it? OMG OMG, tell us what to do Ben Franklin!!?
    Or, you know, I don't know. They didn't really teach us about this day in middle school history class. But probably Ben Franklin calmed everyone down and came up with a helpful aphorism about it to steel our resolve.
  3. The 4th of July this year is on a Saturday, a regular weekend day.
  4. The 4th of July Observed is on a Friday. The 4th of July Observed is because Americans are like WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE you mean The 4th of July this year falls on a day I get off from work anyway?? Nononono. I need another day off or I'll go batshit crazy.
  5. The 4th of July is when we're supposed to think about our Freedom from oppression, freedom of choice, etc.
    It's hard to imagine British people being oppressive. Have you been to England? They are like the nicest people ever. So softspoken and agreeable and polite and have cute names for things like lorrie and nappie. Anyway, I'll take the Founding Fathers's word for it. The Declaration of Independence paints a pretty rough picture. Soldiers in bright red suits busting in and sleeping in your house and shit.
  6. The 4th of July Observed is when we sleep in early and then get up and clean the grill and do some laundry and maybe go to Wal-Mart to buy a Fireworks Mega Pack - 100 Individual Pieces For a Guaranteed Impressive Neighborhood Light Show!
  7. The 4th of July is a good name for a holiday.
  8. The 4th of July Observed is an idiotic name for a holiday. Let's come up with something else. Shaking in Our Boots Day. Almost "Fuck Off, Britain!" Day. Remember When We Were Enemies, Britain? Day. Something else. Anything else. Please.
  9. On The 4th of July, we light off fireworks and get drunk and eat pie with white whipped cream and blueberries and strawberries on it and our kids tool around the neighborhood in Radio Flyer wagons.
  10. On The 4th of July Observed, we catch up on email. Or at least I do. And we're so glad that most of our clients are out on their boats and not emailing us.
  11. In the end, I will take The 4th of July Observed in combination with The 4th of July as opposed to not having it.
  12. Happy Fourth of July Observed, everyone!💥