WHY I DON'T WANT AN APPLE WATCH 🚫⌚️

I've got every Apple product in my house. Macs, MacBooks, iPads, iPhones, Apple TV, Time Capsule, Airport. I use them for everything and enjoy it. But I don't watch an Apple Watch. Here's why.
  1. "Digital crown"? How is a hunk of metal "digital"? HOGWASH
  2. I don't want Siri "closer and more useful than ever". Siri can bite my right one.
  3. I don't want to keep track of my footfalls or health statistics. That sounds stressful.
  4. I don't want something telling me when to stand up or walk around. Fuck off, ⌚️!
  5. It's ugly
  6. I don't like accessorizing
  7. I don't like wearing and advertising brands if I can help it
  8. I don't like conspicuous technology on my person
  9. I don't want my wrist vibrated or tapped when notifications come in. Blech. I am not Pavlov's fucking Dog.
  10. I don't want the notifications in the first place, to be honest
  11. I don't want to talk to my wrist or play with something on my wrist
  12. I already have enough ways to tell the time
  13. I don't want to be a conversation piece
  14. It's expensive
  15. The battery life seems crappy / I don't want to have to charge it
  16. I'd be afraid of losing it
  17. I don't want to see my friend's heartbeats. That's super creepy.
  18. The interface is too small and my eyes are old-ish
  19. I'm fine with putting my tech away when socializing
  20. I already have an iPhone that does everything I need without strapping it to myself
  21. I don't want to text doodles to people
  22. I don't want to pay with my wrist
  23. Fuck off, ⌚️. Just fuck off.
  24. It's cool if you want an ⌚️, though, List Readers. I ❤️ you all.