Inspired by @ListPrompts (tangentially. The fame one.)
  1. So I was an Associate Producer for Shane Salerno's feature-length biopic on J.D. Salinger, SALINGER.
    Go see it on Netflix. I'm in it for five seconds. And in the credits like three times. NEATO RIGHT.
  2. (Don't get all excited. "Associate Producer", in Hollywood, means exactly this: "Oops, we asked this guy to do a tremendous amount of work for almost no money so now maybe let's give him an important-sounding title so he/she gets an IMDB credit and feels SUPER SELF-IMPORTANT."
  3. I'm telling you...Hollywood hands out "Associate Producer"s like they are going out of style.)
  5. This list isn't about my SALINGER credit. It is about why I hate Oliver Stone*.
  6. So while I was working on SALINGER, I had to talk to the director on the phone a lot.
  7. And toward the end of working on SALINGER, the director was also working on other cash-money "day job" projects.
  8. And one of those projects was Oliver Stone's "come back" movie (as director), SAVAGES, starring Blake Lively, Salma Hayek, John Travolta, etc.
  9. And so, like, for a several month period, every time I needed to talk to the director of SALINGER on the phone, I got bumped by Oliver Stone.
  10. I would call and the director would not pick up because, I found out later, he was already on the phone with Oliver Stone.
  11. Or I would call and the director and I would start talking and then—right while I was in mid-sentence—the director would cut me off and shout "OK OLIVER IS CALLING IN ON THE OTHER LINE I'LL CALL YOU RIGHT BACK!!" and hang up.
  12. And then he would not call back.
  13. And I would email him and say "Soooo...when can we finish that conversation? Can it be tomorrow?"
  14. And the director would email back to say he was spending the day with Oliver Stone, scoping out locations to shoot.
  15. And then several times, the director would tell me to call him at such and such a time, which I would do.
  16. And the director would pick up the phone and would say, in a hushed voice:
  17. "Okay, we can talk. But I'm in the car with Oliver. We're scoping out locations around LA. OLIVER NO DON'T TURN HERE..."
  18. "Chris, hold on" ::muffles phone with hand:: "OLIVER NO. OLIVER WHERE ARE WE GOING. OLIVER THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT WAY TO THE..."
  19. "Chris, can I call you back? Oliver is super high and getting us lost in LA."
  20. And so literally I was "bumped" by Oliver Stone 347 times over the course of a few months.
  21. THE END
  22. Oh, but at the premiere of SALINGER at MOMA in NYC in late 2013, I sat really close to Barbara Walters and Jeffrey Eugenides and Elie Wiesel and Charlie Rose. And Oliver Stone did not attend THANK GOD.
  23. THE END
  24. *I don't actually hate Oliver Stone. I don't know the man. But that just made for great click-bait.
  25. THE END