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This iOS 9.1 update is great for a lot of reasons. Must of which is, of course, all the new emojis.
- •🤑Money man! Who wouldn't love to have that as a nickname? This little guy obviously has money on his mind AND his mouth. Perfect.
- •🕵Private Investigator! The first emoji that is likely to investigate a murder for some dame he just met. This emoji is the very definition of Neo-Noir and I love it.
- •🤖I hate robots. But I do love this emoji. Solely for the reason that I can do this now: 🤖🔫. Almost like how I killed hitchbot.
- •Getting away with a felony you committed
You know the word I'm referring to.
Every birthday present I have ever received.
- •Age 1: a bible signed by Jesus Christ himselfJesus Christ apparently had the same handwriting as my father
- •Age 2: a onesie
- •Age 3: a teddy bear that I wound up beheading a few months later
- •Legalize Medicinal Vape PensVape pens can cure cancer and make anyone 100x cooler 😎
- •Continue the war on drugsThere is no place for crack in our city
- •Start the war on ChristmasThere is no place for Christmas in our city
- •No one coming to them
- 1.To Pimp a Butterfly by Kendrick LamarThis is Kendrick's masterwork so far. Really love the Jazz influenced music and his lyrics are incredible as alway. Infinitely re-listenable. Fav tracks: Wesley's Theory, King Kunta, Hood Politics, The Blacker the Berry
- 2.I Love You Honeybear by Father John MistyThe male version of Adele or Lana I suppose. Father John Misty's lyrics can be flat out hilarious at times and some songs are catchy as hell. Fav tracks: Chateau Lobby #4, The Night Josh Tillman Came to Our Apartment, Ideal Husband, Holy Shit
- 3.The Epic by Kamasi WashingtonRemember when I was talking about the Jazz influenced music on To Pimp a Butterfly? Well this Kamasi Washington fellow played saxophone on that album. And he made a fantastic solo album. It's three hours long, but it's mega-good if Jazz is ur thing. Fav tracks: Change of the Guard, Final Thought, The Magnificent 7
I'm a bit of what you might call a "bad seed." I raise so much hell in this town that the mayor has no choice, but to throw me in prison.
- •Identity TheftMy friend was sad about his dad being away on business all the time so I decided to dress up in a suit and got a mask and pretended to be this kid's father. It seemed to cheer my friend up, but the real father wasn't amused. He pressed charges and I landed in prison as soon as he got back from his business trip.
- •Scorecard FraudI had the biggest mini golf game of my career a couple months back against the town sheriff. I was incredibly nervous and I fell way behind on the front nine. I gave myself a "little helping hand" which boosted my confidence and allowed me to only lose by 38 strokes instead of an astounding 165 strokes which I was on track to lose by. The sheriff still routed me, but he is a stickler for rules so he threw me in jail for cheating and for losing.
- •Public UrinationEarly one morning I took a walk in the park. It was super foggy outside and I didn't bother to put on my glasses so I saw what looked like a bunch of people urinating outside in the park. I figured this was a latrine and I had to relieve myself anyway so I just went where I thought everyone was going. Turns out I ended up pissing into one of those statue fountains in front of a young herd of ducklings. Bam. Just like that: one night in county jail and I am now an animal sex offender.
A truly sad day for the Kennedy clan. Let's see how they recover...
- •My parents spent their entire savings on buying Instagram FollowersThey'll tell you it was because they had to pay for our college tuition's but don't believe them. My parents were busy buying followers and likes to up their Instagram Game, while me and my siblings were in the forest, sleeping in deer carcasses for warmth.
- •Having to bail me out of prison so many times has set me back a penny.I have been sent to prison 8 times during my High School career (so far 😎). This is mostly because of my serial loitering outside of local convenience stores. I've been arrested for burning down every advertisement in town in protest of corporate America.
- •Filing for Bankruptcy was simply the only way to goNo matter how many times they sent my siblings out on the cold streets to hustle some cash, no matter how many couch cushions we looked between, the Kennedy family simply has not been able to scrounge up the cash to not be broke anymore.
- •I stole my dad's credit card to pay a guy who claimed he could bring the dog that played Air Bud and Comet from Full House back to lifeSo this ended up being a huge scam, but I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't take the chance...