You've seen my 6 best ancestors. Now it's time to reveal the shame of the Kennedy family. The six worst ancestors.
  1. Domnall "The Potato Burglar" Kennedy (1800s)
    This fucking fat ass caused the goddamn potato famine in Ireland because he snuck onto people's farms at night and ate all of their potato crops. Then he tried to blame it on a "bad harvest".
  2. Gertrude Kennedy (1600s)
    Gertrude sure was a bad seed. She was one of the witches burned during the Salem Witch Trials. We know she was a witch because she could swim when the judge threw her into the water. This has caused my family a great deal of strife over the years and I still can't go anywhere without being accused of Witchcraft.
  3. Thurmond Kennedy II (1800s)
    He owned a shit ton of slaves. And then fought and died in a war because he wanted to keep them so bad. Seriously, his wife had to support seven kids alone for the rest of her life since they lost all of their slaves because Thurmond couldn't even be bothered to win the war. Nevertheless, all of my family members fly the Confederate flag to honor great Uncle Thurmond's sacrifice for states' rights.
  4. John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1915-1963)
    This is a really disappointing case. My great-great grandfather could've been one of the greatest Kennedys. I mean, he was the first Kennedy to become President and bang Marilyn Monroe after all. However, this bumblefuck threw all of that away by getting shot in the face. He deserved it too, for vowing to blast an American citizen off the face of the earth and onto the goddamn moon. JFK is one of the darkest marks on the Kennedy family tree.
  5. Robert Francis Kennedy (1925-1968)
    Oh you thought ol' Johnny was bad? Get a load of this fuckin guy! Not five years after his brother gets shot as President of the United States, my great great Uncle Bobby decides he should run for President. And then he gets shot before he even becomes President! Maybe we dodged a bullet by avoiding Bobby Kennedy being in office. Because he certainly wasn't smart enough to dodge an actual bullet! How could we have trusted him to lead America?! Everyone hates me for being related to JFK and RFK.
  6. Josephine Kennedy (my grandmother 1917-present)
    I don't care that your father died in World War I. I don't care that you lived during the Great Depression and inhaled more dust than anyone else during the Dust Bowl. I, quite frankly, don't care about anything you say Grandma and I truly yearn for the day when I can finally kick your geriatric ass during one of our sparring sessions. Worst Kennedy ever (grandma) losing at the hands of the Best Kennedy ever (me)